


Fuck it I love you

by grimeysociety



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awesome Darcy Lewis, Breaking Up & Making Up, Commitment, Darcy Lewis Feels, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Long-Distance Relationship, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Reunion Sex, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-06 23:00:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20514911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimeysociety/pseuds/grimeysociety
Summary: She didn’t think she and Steve were compatible at all. It wasn’t so much that they were from totally different eras. It was more what she perceived his personality to be when she met him and how it wouldn’t work with her.





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I haven't written this pairing in a while but I got some ideas from a couple sources, namely the Ladies of Marvel Bingo 2019 - filling the square M1 "I never loved someone the way that I love you" - and using the prompt from the [Promptkin Spice Challenge](https://anniemar.tumblr.com/post/187452149667/promptkin-spice-the-return-of-fall-darcyland), "Cardamom - flushed and complex". 
> 
> This is set post-Endgame, but it's not really a fix-it. More will come to light as I write, but baby, we've got more issues than Vogue. Goddamn. 
> 
> This brief(ish) story is about Steve and Darcy learning to love one another and the fumbles along the way.

__  
Banner by lefttennent

_And if I wasn't so fucked up, I think I'd fuck you all the time_  
_(I really do)_  
_It's killing me slowly_  
_(Fuck it, I love you)_

\- "Fuck it I love you" by Lana Del Rey

**i.**

Falling in love with Steve crept up on Darcy. It’s not that she wasn’t aware of it happening. It was like having something behind her steady working its way toward her over years at a time.

She was distracted by the other things in front of her, like work and Jane and relocating to upstate New York and turning fucking thirty whole years old. She tried to not go crazy. She went through a few breakups, installed and deleted the dating apps on her phone so many times she lost count. She went to space with Thor when Jane was kidnapped that one time.

She didn’t think she and Steve were compatible at all. It wasn’t so much that they were from totally different eras. It was more what she perceived his personality to be when she met him and how it wouldn’t work with her. She couldn’t help it, she did that with every guy she met. Steve was not someone she lost sleep over and she knew it was the same for him.

Darcy teased and he teased back. She sung _Ol’ Man River_ to the best of her abilities despite having too high a voice to do it justice. She was attracted to him – but that was a sure thing from the start. She thought it would be the same relationship that she had with Thor.

Then came the incident in the basement of the Avengers Tower two years into their friendship. The Tower was under attack - aliens were pouring from the sky and Darcy felt like it was the end by how everyone was dropping like flies. She retreated to the basement with her taser and held it aloft, turning her head at every sound. She was safer downstairs but the power was cut out. She kept her phone by her ear, begging Jane to stay on the line, to find out what was going on. She’d only come to the city for a few weeks as part of recruiting kids fresh out of college. Since the Blip enhanced humans were appearing in droves and Darcy was there to transition them into the Avengers factions. She was like a bridge between the Normal World and the Superhero World. Several of the recruits had sprung to action when the klaxons began to blare over the P.A. system on every floor. Darcy hoped in vain that no-one would be hurt. She saw the bodies as she made her way downstairs through the stairwell.

Hundreds upon hundreds of stairs. Darcy had to stop several times on the way down, panting as she leaned against the wall. Her recovery was only for a few seconds at a time. She was stumbling down by the time she met Steve in the basement. There was a swarm of the winged creatures, several limbs pressing Steve into the cement floor, literally squeezing the life out of him.

Darcy felt her heart in her throat, and for once she knew her impulsive nature was a benefit and not a hindrance – she picked up Steve’s discarded shield and pummelled the nearest giant praying mantis-looking motherfucker with all her might. She yelled, hitting its skull over and over, until it burst, purple blood and brains spurting over. Steve managed to kick his way out from under the other aliens, and she tossed his shield to him and he caught it. It was a flurry of fists and Darcy managed to whip out her Glock and fire a couple of shots off. She wasn’t used to the sound and her ears rang. By the time the fighting stopped they were both panting and covered in the purple viscous crud. Darcy felt him grab her arm and she turned her head to him.

“You okay?” he asked, and she nodded.

She wasn’t, and she suspected he knew that, too. She didn’t want to be honest so soon. If she started to cry she wasn’t sure how helpful it would be. It didn’t stop her eyes from misting so she swiped at her eyes, another mistake. The gunk on her hands spread some more on her face and the smell was vile, like a rotting meat smell that turned her stomach.

_“Cap, what’s your status?” _

Darcy glanced at Steve, who was staring at her with an intense look on his face that made her uncomfortable. She recognized Sam Wilson’s voice over the comms.

_“Cap!”_

Steve came back to life, touching his ear piece with a gloved finger. Darcy’s eyes assessed his injuries, seeing his tactical suit was torn on one shoulder and at another spot on his left ribs. Darcy could make out the pale skin of him peeking through, the bright red blood that had begun to congeal. She’d seen him far worse but it was still hard to look at.

“I’ve got eyes on Lewis.”

Darcy remembered her phone and took it out of her jeans back pocket, seeing its screen had gone black. She stabbed its buttons and shook it, finding it useless.

“Is Jane okay?” Darcy asked Steve, and he stopped mid-sentence whatever he meant to say to Sam and nodded, his mouth a hard line.

She heard him ask about her and he relayed what Sam knew – Jane was fine, in the panic room located behind the labs. Darcy felt the rush of relief and staggered with it, Steve’s hand reaching out to catch her, to keep her upright.

“We gotta go, Darce,” he said softly, using his Captain America voice.

Darcy nodded vaguely, wondering how she was meant to make her legs work. It was like everything had hit her at once. She felt his hands on her face, could feel his eyes checking her like she’d done with him.

“Steve…”

“I got you,” he said, his arm wrapping around her waist and lifting her with ease.

He more or less carried her to the nearest exit, Darcy’s feet dragging along the ground. She knew if it were any other time she’d make some comment about him treating her like a princess, but she couldn’t make herself relax into humour. It was usually how she managed to navigate the bad feelings, but now all she could do was stare at the bodies and blood.

He settled her into a seated position in a spare office with papers strewn around, looking like whoever was there had left in a hurry. Darcy could hear a distant scream but Steve brought her back with a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey. You’re okay.”

She began to laugh, covering her face with shaking hands. She laughed without mirth. She felt so worn out by it all. It was like it was her mind’s last attempt at working before completely shutting down.

Her eyes were leaking but she didn’t sob, instead gasped for air, Steve’s gaze never leaving her. He kept talking to Sam throughout.

“Darce, I think you twisted your ankle.”

“What?” Darcy said, and Steve said it again, his hand on her thigh.

“You don’t remember that?”

“No,” she murmured.

She looked down, her shaking hands going to her left pants leg and pulling the material up. She revealed an ugly bruise, her ankle swollen and red.

“Fuck,” she hissed.

She supposed she was in shock. Steve made a face like he was in pain and Darcy pressed her fingertips to the swelling, hissing some more.

“Sam, I need someone down here. I need them yesterday.”

Darcy heard the urgency in his tone and she frowned.

“I’m fine.”

“I’m not leaving you down here all by yourself,” Steve said to her, his finger still pressed to his earpiece. “Sam, who’s closest to us?”

_“Carol’s on her way.”_

Darcy’s ankle was throbbing as they waited a couple minutes in tense silence, and Darcy could see the cogs churning in Steve’s head. He was anxious to get back upstairs.

When Carol’s head appeared in the doorway, her body glowing as she glided through, Darcy watched her take them in and wondered what she saw. Steve’s hand was still pressed to Darcy’s thigh, his other hand clutching her balled fist as he crouched beside her on the floor.

“You rang, Cap?” Carol said, and Darcy felt the puff of air on her face as Steve let out a brief sigh of relief.

“Yeah, took you long enough,” he retorted, and Darcy could sense the irony in his tone without looking at him.

Carol reached her and scooped Darcy up. Steve didn’t let go of Darcy’s hand and he touched her face, his lips parting.

“Don’t die up there,” Darcy said, before he could form a sentence.

“Right,” he said, his head ducking for a second.

He picked up his shield and ran out.

Darcy moved a little in Carol’s arms, wrapping an arm around her glowing shoulders, sighing. She kept her eyes closed as she was flown out the door and through a broken window to safety.

-

Several hours later Darcy was back with Jane on the compound. The body count was around the fifty mark and she felt sick with the knowledge that kids she was supposed to be taking care of were dead.

She managed to scrape the purple crap off of her but it still stank, sinking into her subconscious so that when she tried to sleep that night she woke up sweaty and shaking, thinking she was still down in the basement.

Steve didn’t come back for a couple days, helping the other Avengers with the cleaning up of the city. Manhattan was better at dealing with this kind of shit since 2012 but it was no less painful.

Darcy was walking back from the mess hall one night when she came across Steve, the pair of them stopping in their tracks. Darcy’s heartbeat picked up as if on instinct and she’d forgotten what it had felt like – having a crush, having something so terrifying inside her like these feelings. With the way Steve was looking at her with the small distance between them, Darcy was afraid to move.

“You’re back,” she said, and he blinked a couple times.

“Yeah.”

She glanced down at her hands, clearing her throat.

“Good. I’m glad.”

He nodded, mirroring her. It was hard to believe this was the same person she’d got to know over the last couple of years. Something had shifted so distinctly that Darcy felt like she was floundering inside, unsure of how to act.

“How’s your ankle?” he murmured.

“Better.”

“Good,” he said.

Darcy kept walking, ducking her head. She swerved to not walk straight into him.

“Goodnight,” she muttered, and she heard him echo the word.

She went back to her place and drank a little too much. She grabbed her bottle of vanilla flavored vodka from her freezer and took greedy swigs of it instead of finding a proper glass among her dirty dishes.

She could hack the SHIELD mainframe. She had prompted their team to upgrade their system because she’d managed to infiltrate it – she argued she’d done them a favor. She could hack SHIELD but she couldn’t act like an adult woman.

The truth was she was terrified.

-

Thor took Jane for a short trip somewhere far across the galaxy, prompting Darcy’s loneliness like pressing on the bruise that still wrapped around her healing ankle.

Darcy normally perused some websites to buy books or clothes, or downloaded Bumble or Tinder. She even considered going through old contacts on her phone to see if any ex was up for a booty call but it felt wrong. She kept thinking of those piercing blue eyes, those steady hands on her body and she lay awake at night, worrying.

Why him? Why now? It felt unfair. She didn’t deserve this. She’d avoided getting involved with people connected to any of this superhero stuff since she and Ian broke up years and years ago.

She began to wrestle with it, constantly distracted. She convinced herself he didn’t feel the same way, simply because there was only silence from him, but she couldn’t deny they’d both changed how they interacted with one another.

Her heart would pound faster whenever she sensed him. She tried to avoid the mess halls or the fields where he still ran every day. She’d feel like she was burning all over when he was in the same room as her. She’d watch her phone, pretending she was completely alone.

She didn’t dare tell anyone. She was sure she’d die from any form of teasing. Everything felt so overwhelming, twisting her guts and making her desperate with longing.

She heard a knock on her door one night and she expected it was Jane, but her boss usually texted her beforehand. She went to answer the door and froze, hearing the voice beyond.

“Darcy?”

Her stomach flipped and she began to shake with nerves. She glanced around the pigsty of her apartment and gulped, unsure of whether to answer Steve or just pretend she wasn’t home.

“Hold on,” she called, and she made a face at how her voice sounded wrong, giving her away.

She was wearing her pajamas and she dashed to her couch, grabbing her cardigan that was thrown aside earlier. She wrapped it around her and adjusted her glasses, walking swiftly back to the front door.

She finally opened the door, taking a deep breath.

Steve stood there with his hands in his jean pockets. She hardly ever saw him in civilian clothes, and whenever she had they were always his gym outfits. The black sweater and acid wash jeans made him look far more ordinary but no less handsome. Without the bells and whistles Darcy felt inexplicably closer to him.

“Hi,” she said, and she felt her face flush.

“Hi,” he replied, his voice soft. “I didn’t… I didn’t wake you?”

His Brooklyn accent was coming through more and Darcy blinked a couple times, trying to remember the last time she checked a clock.

“Uh, no. I’m… I’m up,” she muttered.

Her stomach was full of butterflies. She cleared her throat.

“What, uh, brings you to my door?”

She didn’t mean to sound so direct and she regretted her phrasing. She should have just let him come in, not put him on the spot like that. She readied herself for a polite turning down.

“Thought I’d… visit,” he murmured.

Before she could say any other dumbass thing, she moved aside, pushing her front door wider.

He moved past her and she was more aware than ever of their height difference, the masculine bulk of him as he was in her personal space and moving down the hallway.

She shut the door and followed him, crossing her arms. They reached her living room and she gestured to the couch and he sat down, not before she’d grabbed the folders she’d stashed there. Almost every surface of Darcy’s dwellings was covered in something, and things were never where they were meant to be. Darcy’s chaos was never something she felt too self-conscious about unless someone pointed it out to disparage her, and usually she’d let it roll off of her with a shrug. She wasn’t about to apologize to Steve for being a messy person, but she felt her cheeks heat at the sight of his eyes widening.

“You want something to drink?” she asked to fill the silence and he glanced up at her, blinking.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Tea?”

“Please,” he murmured.

Darcy walked off to the kitchen and rummaged through the cupboards after she put her beaten up kettle on the stove. She kept her back to him, biting her lip as she tried to will herself to calm the fuck down. It wasn’t a big deal that he was there. A couple weeks ago she would have let him in without a second thought, because she knew she was just the annoying little female that crossed his path from time to time.

“You need some help?” he called out and Darcy jolted at the sudden sound of his voice.

“No! I’m fine!”

She came back to him, handing him a steaming mug and moving to sit beside him on the couch.

“I didn’t know what… kind of tea you liked,” she murmured. “It’s peppermint.”

“It’s perfect,” he murmured.

They fell silent and Darcy fought the urge to roll her eyes. She wondered if he could hear how fast her heart was beating in her chest. She took a deep breath, aware her tone needed to be lighter if she was going to get through this without having a complete mental breakdown.

She glanced at the small space between them. She could smell something fresh on his skin, some cologne she’d never smelt on him before. It wasn’t overpowering but Darcy wanted to roll in the scent, memorize it.

“How have you been?” she asked. She rolled her bottom lip between her teeth and she saw his gaze hover over her mouth for a beat before he looked her in the eye.

“No complaints,” he replied. “You?”

“No,” Darcy said. “But… I don’t think you’d tell me otherwise, Steve.”

He let out a short breath of a laugh, looking a little surprised. He nodded.

“Yeah. You’re probably right.”

She wish she could tamper it down, the warmth radiating from her stomach, a pleasant kind of feeling she knew was fleeting. He was paying attention to her and she wanted to bask in it.

She didn’t expect him to put down his mug and turn his body toward her. She hoped the panic didn’t show too easily on her face and she forced herself to keep steady and not recoil from the shift between them.

He was looking at his palms, and Darcy watched him mull something over and then put it away. She didn’t know until then that she could recognize that look on his face among the other things she could remember about him.

“The clean up went okay?” she murmured, and he nodded, his gaze moving to her hands that were still wrapped around her mug of tea.

Darcy was made aware of her legs, the expanse of her thighs that were showing because she was wearing her pajama shorts. She remembered the cellulite and stretch marks and she shifted, pulling down her cardigan to try and hide some of it.

“I don’t know when Jane gets back,” Darcy said, trying to concentrate on speaking to him properly, giving him her full attention. She faked rubbing her eyes because she was tired, trying to find something to do with her suddenly fidgeting hands.

“Hopefully we don’t need Thor too badly tomorrow,” Steve said.

His voice had changed and Darcy met his gaze, frowning.

“We got a mission,” he said.

Darcy looked away, feeling her heart sink. Despite avoiding him, the idea of him being away and in danger made her feel sick with worry. She knew she was doing a bad job of covering it up by gulping her tea even though it was still a little too warm. She forced it down, pressing her closed fist to her mouth, nodding.

“Where are you going?” she asked. “Can you even tell me?”

“I shouldn’t, but it’s Zambia,” he replied.

She stared at him. He’d never shared that information with her before. She felt her blush creeping back and she looked away again.

“Right.”

He’d said goodbye to her before, in passing. She remembered the first time he called her by her first name, telling her she’d better not burn down the labs while he was gone. She remembered retorting some smartass comment about the labs not being his jurisdiction, and his eyes had lit up as he smiled back at her.

“Darcy,” he began, and Darcy stood up before he could get the sentence out.

Her instincts were telling her to run for the hills. This was a man who’d flung himself into the nearest danger at every opportunity he was given. He’d die for mankind. He had already. He was the only one standing between Thanos’ army and the rest of the world nearly three years ago.

She only had a small window and she knew she’d have to take it, to distance herself from him. She could resign herself to longing from afar. It seemed the less painful option.

But then he grabbed her wrist and Darcy looked down at him, eyes wider.

“Sweetheart,” he said, and he looked sadder, his throat bobbing.

_Get out of there_, a voice inside her head screamed. Darcy remained still, her chest heaving. She could only look back at him, the anxiety roiling in her gut, threatening to find her lungs and squeeze the air out of her.

_Get away. Get away. Get away –_

She put down her mug, Steve’s hand still wrapped around her other wrist, and she turned back, kneeling beside him between his knees.

His hand moved to glide up her arm to her shoulder and Darcy closed the gap before her fear got the best of her. She barely made it, her hands going to either side of Steve’s face and she drew him closer, pressing a firm kiss to his lips.

He made a sound against her mouth, his lips softer than she imagined, the kiss brief. She pulled back, their hands holding one another.

“I’m a jackass, I shoulda –” Steve’s voice was tight and he cut himself off, sighing in frustration. “I have to go sleep ‘cause of the early start.”

Darcy wanted to keep kissing him, give into her basest desires but she nodded, rubbing his cheek with her thumb. He turned his head slightly to kiss her palm.

“Darcy…”

“I know,” she murmured. “It’s okay.”

She was frightened that if they made love she’d never let him leave. She’d cling to him and scream and cry. She was as sure of that as she was of the sun rising tomorrow.

He kissed her, and they both whimpered with the heat of it, the longing between them as he teased her mouth open with his tongue. The warm, needy glide of their tongues made Darcy dizzy with want, so by the time they separated once more she was panting.

“You have to go,” she whispered, and he nodded ruefully.

She stood up. He caught her off-guard yet again by pulling her toward him, pressing his forehead into her midsection and sighing. She lifted her hand and thread her fingers through his hair, biting her lip hard.

He got up, letting her tug him along by the hand. Her heart felt like it was being pressed in a vice when he cuddled her to him, bending down to meet her when she opened her front door again.

Hardly any time had passed and yet Darcy felt as though the night was already over, the morning too close for comfort.

“Be safe,” she whispered, and he chuckled. “You know what I mean.”

“I’ve… I’ve got your number in my phone,” he said. He moved one arm off of her to pull out his phone and unlock it, opening up his contacts before holding it up for her to inspect.

“Yeah, that’s me,” Darcy whispered, her throat closing up.

“I’ll call you,” he said.

“Please,” she whispered, and he nodded.

Another kiss, shorter. She almost tugged him back inside but he stepped back, dropping his hands.

“Okay. I’m goin’ now,” he murmured.

She nodded, pressing her lips together.

He walked away, backwards at first with his eyes still on her, until he spun around, hands deep in his pockets.

Darcy gulped, moving back inside and shutting the door.

She covered her mouth as she began to sob.


	2. ii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the wonderful responses so far! This chapter is much longer but hopefully you find it worthy of your time. Definitely NSFW!

_They write that I'm happy, they know that I'm not_  
_But at best, you can see I'm not sad_  
_But hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have_  
_Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have_

_Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have_  
_But I have it_  
_Yeah, I have it_  
_Yeah, I have it_  
_I have_

\- **"hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have - but I have it" by Lana Del Rey**

**ii.**

Darcy leaned against the wall beside her front door, still covering her mouth as she sobbed. She waited for the misery to subside, which it surely did, only to be replaced with a helplessness that made her gasp for air.

She wiped her face, rubbing the skin of her cheeks as she sniffed loudly. She felt light-headed. There was something truly wrong with her. Every part of her was telling her to retreat from the danger of being any closer to Steve than she already was.

She pushed off the wall and walked through her apartment, so aware of the lack of sound. She’d been sitting in the living room before he came by on her phone, one of her earphones in as she scrolled through several apps at once, alternating her various distractions.

This was more than pining. This felt painful, and if she was to pinpoint the source, it would be her guts that twisted and clenched. She needed to stop herself from sinking fully down into it. She needed to go to bed, to settle herself.

She went to the living room, seeing Steve’s cup of untouched peppermint tea. It was still warm, and she picked it up, putting it to her lips and drinking it all in steady gulps. She placed the empty mug on the coffee table and licked her lips. If she concentrated, she could smell his cologne from before, lingering in the couch where he sat.

Darcy put herself to bed, curling on her side and staring out into the blackness. She anticipated a very long night.

-

Darcy did not hear from Steve for a few days. As a research assistant, she was easily made busy by her job. Some interns needed help with their papers on Pym Particles and other things Darcy only heard about in sci-fi movies before meeting Jane all those years ago.

Darcy frequently forgot that the year was 2025 even after being back from the Blip two years ago. She was with Jane, of course, in Norway. When they came back in 2023, they were met with a strange family screaming at them in a language Darcy had never mastered beyond “where’s the bathroom” and “how much is this beer”. Life had gone on without them, in its own tragic way.

Darcy was thirty-five. She was twenty-eight when the Blip happened, and being told that she was and yet wasn’t who she thought she was anymore was terrifying. The two women knew that the Avengers had something to do with it all, so she and Jane invited themselves back to the States, finding the new compound and requesting their own employment.

Erik had married and had kids with the lovely Joyce in Stockholm. They missed him, but he was lecturing at universities, hoping to teach people about the events of the Blip, and how the Infinity Stones worked. People could major in the History of Enhanced Humans in some parts of the world.

Sometimes it got on Darcy’s nerves, seeing kids so enthusiastic about the things they didn’t understand. They had an advantage, being separate from all the suffering. They loved Iron Man, Captain America and the Hulk. They thought Thor was the bee’s knees, but they never learned about how he was drinking to forget for five years straight.

It was harder for Darcy to feel that she belonged anywhere. She couldn’t interact with civilians in the same ways she used to, and yet she was not one of the main players in the events that involved space and time.

Darcy was eating a granola bar, highlighting a document sent over from MIT earlier that morning when her phone began to vibrate in her pocket. She dropped her food and highlighter pen on the papers and fumbled for her phone in her jeans, pulling it out to see Steve Rogers on the caller ID.

Darcy knew she was better at texting or emails than calling someone on a phone. It gave her time to prepare herself, made it easier for navigating a conversation. She wasn’t completely hopeless, but seeing Steve was true to his word, calling her instead of texting her, made her break out in a nervous sweat.

She unlocked it, pressing the green phone button on the screen.

“Hey,” she breathed, covering her eyes with her other hand and leaning her elbows on the desk in front of her.

“Hi. Good or bad time to call?”

Darcy could hear that he was smiling. She didn’t know how, but she could picture it. She could remember the first time she made him smile – some comment that was filled with curse words and irony. At the time, she figured he was surprised by her, too. His laugh was abrupt, his gaze resting on her for some time after someone else started talking again – most likely Sam – and Darcy nursed her beer bottle, her eyes darting to meet Steve’s time and time again.

“No, it’s – I’m not doing much, just looking over a paper for this kid,” Darcy muttered.

She glanced behind her, seeing the interns were all busy but she’d rather not continue this conversation with an audience. She got up from her chair and walked toward the exit, pushing the door with her hand and letting herself out into the open space.

There was an airplane flying overhead, but it was otherwise quiet outdoors. The air was mild, a light breeze on Darcy’s face.

“How are you?” she asked, and then she winced, feeling stupid.

She was sure that the second she’d get off the phone with him she’d be repeating everything she said, mocking her tone. “Duh duh duh how are you? Stupid fuckin’ bitch…”

“I’m okay. Beat,” he replied.

She heard a shuffling, and she tried to concentrate on the sound to determine what he was up to. Was he in bed? Darcy felt her cheeks heat at the idea of being able to see that – Steve on his back, smiling on the phone.

“Gonna nap?” she asked, feeling her stomach flip as he chuckled.

“I should. I’m not the best at sleeping.”

There was a pause and Darcy closed her eyes, wishing she’d thought of more to say. She’d anticipated something happening like this, but she’d been too distracted with picking their last encounter apart to consider moving on to speaking to him, to be honest with him.

“Then go to sleep,” she replied. She tried to not sound as if she was impatient with him, but sometimes her dry tone came across as bitchy to the wrong person.

He chuckled. “Okay. I’ll try when we get off the phone.”

Darcy glanced up at the sky, breathing deeper, hearing his breathing on his end. Then he chuckled, sighing a little.

“I didn’t ask how you were.”

“I’m fine,” Darcy said.

_I miss you_. She didn’t want to say it. Saying it out loud made everything real, that he wasn’t just a friend to her anymore, but something more. Something that terrified her but made her stomach flutter with anticipation, kept her daydreaming for hours on end. 

She hoped he could hear it in her tone, or the way she kept waiting for him to keep talking, keep feeding her little pieces of him as she stood, clutching her phone with closed eyes.

The silence was too much, and she opened her mouth, getting half a sentence out at the same time as him, their words overlapping. They both stopped short, and Darcy could hear his smile in his tone again.

“You go first.”

She let out a short laugh, conceding. “I was gonna ask how long you’ll be away.”

“I don’t know yet,” he replied, and Darcy tried to not feel the dread and failed.

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Darcy said, trying to not sound disappointed.

She deflated, and for a horrifying moment she thought she might start to cry. She squashed it down, clearing her throat.

“I hope you’re not doing anything too stupid.”

“Can’t say I’m not,” Steve replied. “Nothin’ new, though.”

Jumping out of airplanes, shooting and punching his way through swarms of men, running away from explosions. Those were the first things Darcy could think of.

“Yeah,” she murmured, her voice smaller than ever.

This was one of the many things Darcy had feared. She knew what kind of guy Steve was. She knew his job was anything but a job, it was his whole life. He was made for this, the fighting and defending. It always sounded to Darcy like it was a lonely way to live, to carry that much on your shoulders every day. She knew it was significant that he was giving her any attention at all. From what she knew about him, he hardly had anything just for himself. Not so much because he didn’t think he deserved it, but because he was set in his ways, and the lines of fighting and peace were blurred beyond Darcy’s comprehension.

She was born in a relative peacetime. She was a research assistant with problems with indecisiveness. She wasn’t like Steve at all.

She felt the urge to brush him off, to let him go before he was ready, to block him out somehow and try to forget everything that happened.

She was only human.

“You should sleep,” she said, trying to lift her tone to something casual, less sad. “Wouldn’t want you grumpy because you’re tired. I mean, if I was there, I’d lock you in your room –”

She regretted the direction she was heading toward, feeling her face flush at the realization that he could twist it around in his head, make it sound like she was depraved. And maybe Darcy was a little bit, but she didn’t need Steve knowing that and then making it awkward.

He cut in.

“I wouldn’t be goin’ to sleep if you were here. Not yet, at least.”

Darcy’s mouth stayed wide open, and she was stunned. There was a few seconds of her mulling over his words in her head.

“That’d be the _last_ thing on my mind,” Steve added.

Darcy pulled the phone away from her ear for a second to press the mute button and made the goofiest giggle sound imaginable, before composing herself and un-muting herself.

“Are you… going to elaborate on that?” she finally asked, and she heard a breath of a laugh on his end. “Or…”

Or what? What if she took this too far and somehow scared him off? She didn’t want him to get suddenly squirrelly and end the call, terrified of Darcy’s thirst. 

“If we talk about this now, I’ll never sleep, sweetheart,” Steve said, and Darcy grinned, biting her lip.

“Maybe I don’t want you to sleep,” she threw back.

“_Darcy_…”

She’d never heard him utter her name that way, drawn out and wounded. It sounded like a secret, like it was a little surrender only for her, like he never meant her to know and she’d brought it out of him. She wasn’t even in the same country as him, let alone the same room. If she was there, she’d lean in and tease him, nip at his plump lower lip.

“Okay, I’ll let you go,” Darcy murmured.

His laugh was soft, with more rustling on his end, and Darcy knew they were bed sheets.

“I wanted to hear your voice so bad, now I’m…”

The admission made the warmth in Darcy’s stomach fill her up, threatening to spill over. She waited for him to say it, whatever he was trying _not_ to say so far away. He didn’t, so she decided to be devious.

“So now you’re at half-mast?”

He laughed, groaning a little. “More like… anyway, you should get back to work.”

That would have made him blush all over. Darcy knew that from the times she’d seen him embarrassed. It was a rare thing to see, but it made it more special to her, undeniably adorable.

“Yeah,” she said, drawing out the word. “Call me soon? Or text me.”

When she ended the call, she knew she was smiling like a fool. It was like middle school when you saw your crush and they’d wave at you at your locker. Darcy used to scribble black little hearts in her binders, so full of hope she felt like she was high with it.

-

Darcy got her period. It was better than her last one, she wasn’t reaching for her bottle of Tylenol as often as before. She only had cramps for two days and she’d place a heatpack on her midsection, kind of like setting and forgetting it while she sat watching TV with a bottle of wine on her coffee table.

She was gripped with a restlessness, a thorough need for some human contact. The hormones made her horny. Not that it took much usually, but she was ravenous by the time Steve finally made contact again. She’d sent him a couple texts over the last ten days, hoping she didn’t come across as needy. She didn’t think “hope you’re okay” was too much.

She was sat up in bed with her laptop, sipping wine while she went through emails. There were some sales on at the moment and she was considering some new clothes. Her phone buzzed on her bedside table and she glanced at it, nearly spilling her wine as she put her glass down and picked up her phone to answer it.

“Hey,” she said. She knew she sounded rushed. “Are you okay? Where are you?”

“Still in Zambia,” he replied. “I’m okay. I hope you’re okay. I’m sorry for not gettin’ back to ya sooner.”

Darcy felt her lips quirk at his accent coming through thicker than ever. She must have laughed out loud.

“What?” he said, the hint of a smile in his tone. “What’s so funny?”

“You’re so cute,” Darcy whispered, and he laughed softly.

“You, too, sweetheart.”

Darcy’s stomach flipped. “What are you doing? It’s really late there, right?”

She Googled the time difference. She wasn’t about to tell him that. She was mimicking some kind of nonchalance, trying not to sound as eager as she was.

“Nearly 4AM. Can we -? Sam said there’s a thing on the phone –”

The mention of Sam Wilson made Darcy pause. There was the possibility he’d spoken about her, Darcy wasn’t completely dense, she just didn’t know in what capacity.

“What?”

“I wanna see your face.”

Darcy felt herself blush and she blinked, touching her hair.

“Uh, yeah. There’s the video call button on there…”

The call abruptly cut off and Darcy pulled the phone away from her ear, staring down at it for a couple seconds before the sound of the Video Call from Steve burst through and she felt her heartbeat go into overdrive. She looked down at her outfit, seeing her tits were barely covered by the blank tank top she wore. The outlines of her nipples could be seen if someone was close enough to her.

She pressed the green button and Steve’s face flooded the screen, his smile broadening as he took her in.

“There you are,” he said.

He looked grainy on the screen, and Darcy could see he was lying down without a shirt on, his pillow behind his head. His hair was sticking up a little, but he looked good.

He always looked good enough to eat, why was Darcy even remotely surprised that seeing him this way would make her libido ricochet off the walls?

“Hey,” she breathed, smiling. “It’s me.”

“It’s you,” he said back, smiling. He swallowed. “It’s good to see you, sweetheart.”

Oh, boy. Seeing him form the words and hearing them out loud made her want to reach into the phone and somehow touch him, touch him everywhere.

His face changed a little, the smile faltering.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” Darcy whispered.

It was a relief to hear it from him. She’d been holding the words in for days. She hadn’t let herself give them any power. Saying them out loud opened up another world entirely, their own little world, only theirs to share. She never thought it’d be him who made it with her, though.

“How much longer until you’re back?” she asked.

“Another couple weeks,” he said. He rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry I can’t be more specific.”

Darcy nodded, pressing her lips together. She didn’t want to seem too sad to him but she knew she couldn’t hide it anymore, the wanting him closer. The daydreams weren’t enough anymore. She wanted the real thing, whatever that meant.

“When I’m back…”

Darcy blinked. “What?”

He was hesitating, and the thought of that made her long to hold him, to somehow make it clearer that she was waiting for him.

“Maybe we could get a cup of coffee or somethin’?” he asked.

Darcy stared back at him, feeling another smile form.

“Yeah. Yeah, I want to. We could,” she replied.

They kept talking, and Darcy felt a little looser. She could blame the couple glasses of wine she’d had earlier, but she knew it was Steve asking her out, making this something bigger than it already was, something real. It felt like a little promise between them, and Darcy wanted to treasure it, nurture it when she was lonely, watch it grow.

She told him about one of the interns breaking the coffee machine, rolling her eyes at the story when she was done.

“It’s lame. You’re probably bored to death.”

“No,” he said. “I like hearing about that stuff. I think –” He cut himself off, shaking his head. “Anyway.”

“What?” Darcy prompted.

“I was gonna say… well, I think about you all the time. What you’re doin’, but I thought if I said that part you might think I’m a sap.”

Darcy blinked. “What? Shut up.”

He began to laugh. “Okay.”

They couldn’t stop smiling at each other and Darcy glanced at the time on her phone, seeing they’d talked for nearly an hour.

“Shit, you better go to sleep,” she said. “It’s really late.”

He nodded.

“Will you sleep?” Darcy asked, and he smiled again.

“Probably not.”

There were a few beats between them and Darcy bit her lip.

“I…”

“What?” he said, and Darcy felt herself flush.

“I have ideas on how to… deal with that,” she said eventually, sure that she was turning bright red.

“Yeah, me, too,” he murmured.

Darcy covered her face with one hand, laughing. She groaned, looking back at him.

“You’re so _fucking hot_. It’s not fair.”

He blushed at her words, and Darcy longed to touch him, make him moan. She wondered what it sounded like. Maybe he was quiet in bed, only letting out a sound when he could no longer contain himself. She wished she knew.

“I’m getting all twitchy now, so I should go, too,” she babbled, and he began to laugh breathlessly. She met his gaze. “_Goodnight_, Steve.”

“’Night, sweetheart.”

She hung up, letting her head drop back onto the pillow and she groaned again, louder. It took only a few seconds for her phone to buzz in her hand and she lifted it to see the display. She knew it had to be Steve.

** _Don’t think you’re off the hook so easily sweetheart_ **

She stared down at the threat, wondering what to type. She could take this one of several ways. She could tease him, ignore him, or play dumb.

She felt a tingle at the base of her spine, knowing she was already half ready for him, tiptoeing toward that desperation. Since her period ended a couple days ago she’d been slightly less bonkers. Only slightly, and she waited for him to take it further. She relented, gnawing at her lip as she tapped out a swift reply, very direct.

** _You make me wet_ **

“Fuck,” she murmured. She stared at the words, feeling nothing but her heartbeat and the nagging between her legs.

She saw the grey bubble pop up and then disappear. She waited, seeing the bubble again before it disappeared. She closed her eyes, regretting it all. She took it too far. He wasn’t at that place yet. He wasn’t an animal like her, he tried to be measured with this kind of thing. They hadn’t spent enough time being more than friends. She’d jumped in the lake instead of wading out there.

Her phone buzzed and she opened her eyes, looking down at the screen.

** _I want you_ **

She stared, seeing the bubble again. He was typing more, and the anticipation was enough to make her hold her breath.

** _I want you so fucking bad_ **

“Fuck,” she said again. Her arousal sat low in her gut, insistent. She began to type before she could lose her nerve, before he could take it back.

** _I’m touching myself_ **

** _Wish you were here_ **

** _It’s not fair_ **

She abandoned her phone, her hands going under the covers and into her pyjama shorts, the same ones Steve saw on her when he sat on her couch. She was wet, somehow wetter than she expected, her fingers trailing through the folds of her cunt. She teased her clit, her other hand pushing two fingers inside, but she wanted more. She wanted him. It was wild, thinking Steve knew she was doing this because of him. She heard her phone buzz again and she ignored it, too selfish to reply, at least not until she got herself off.

She came hard and slow, panting as she squeezed her own fingers, grunting behind her gritted teeth. She came back down, her hands leaving her as she turned onto her side, picking up her phone. His last message was only a few minutes old.

** _Wish I could taste you_ **

Darcy fumbled her phone, seeing he was already typing something else.

** _Wish I could see you when you come_ **

She let out a breathless laugh, managing to type back:

** _Soon I hope_ **

** _Get back_ **

There was silence from him for a few minutes and Darcy’s mind went to the best place, picturing Steve’s hand stroking himself, his jaw set in concentration. He’d be taut all over, threatening to unravel completely, so beautifully.

Finally, he wrote back:

** _Holy shit_ **

-

He sent her a picture of a sunrise a few days later and Darcy smiled to herself. Jane leaned over, inspecting the photo.

“He’s got it bad.”

Darcy frowned. “What? No. He’s just – I dunno.”

She was trying her hardest to keep some kind of distance from Steve while at work. She couldn’t text him everything she was thinking and feeling because it was too much, way too soon. The truth was that she kept glancing at her phone, wishing she had the power to make him call, to make him return as soon as possible.

Jane got back the day after her and Steve first sexted, asking what happened to make Darcy so bouncy all of a sudden, like she was some little purring cat. Darcy knew it wasn’t that far from the mark. She was smiling more. She had a spring in her step, and she was singing to herself whenever she wanted. Jane told her off twice about it, pleading her to stop singing the same three bars over and over.

“We kissed a couple times and that’s it,” Darcy added.

_Don’t get your hopes up_, came a voice in her head. _Don’t be stupid._

“Hate to be the one to tell you this, Darce,” Jane went on, uncapping her marker as she stood by her whiteboard, readying herself to write another line of her equation. “But he doesn’t do that a lot.”

“Yeah, right,” Darcy said, shrugging. “He’s not a monk.”

Jane shot her a look and Darcy sighed.

“Alright. I get it.”

“When he’s in it…” Jane said, and Darcy glanced away. “He’s in it. Do you understand?”

“Are you warning _me_ about hurting _him_?” Darcy said, making a face. “Have you seen him? More importantly, have you seen me?”

An intern scurried past them and Darcy knew she was being too sharp if she was scaring off the teenagers. She watched them leave, seeing Jane place her hands on her hips in the corner of her eye.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Jane replied.

“You know.”

“Darcy –”

“You know,” Darcy repeated, sharper still.

Jane made her own face of annoyance and disgust. “Why are you so mean about yourself all the time?”

Darcy put up her hands. “I dunno! Maybe because everything I do or say is a little too much? Too weird, too stupid, too off-the-cuff-dumbass?”

She glanced around at her desk.

“I’m trying to figure out what the hell I did for him to just – just like me. We can’t all be like you, all self-assured. You don’t feel like a fraud.”

“You don’t think you’re good enough for him?” Jane said, and Darcy rolled her eyes.

“Yes. _Jesus_. It’s… fucking intimidating, okay? Even just thinking about all he’s done, all he’s been through. I’m so normal next to him that I’m boring. I’m not even – I’m not even remotely close to him.”

Jane’s frown deepened and Darcy went on, pushing through it all, trying to find a way to not express herself in a whiny way. Her best friend was dating Thor, the God of Thunder. She knew something about having a larger-than-life partner.

“And maybe that’s not even what he wants, me and my mess. Maybe he’s lonely. Maybe when he turned forty he was like, well, shit. And then he saw me and –”

“Thor told me you saved his life,” Jane interrupted, and Darcy stopped short, tilting her head. “Or don’t you remember the basement? You picked up his shield when he was almost choking to death.”

“Thor told you that?” Darcy said.

“Yeah. Sam told Thor. Steve told Sam. You’re not that pathetic,” Jane said, folding her arms. “And honestly? I think at this point we don’t need the self-doubt caused by you not being an enhanced human.”

“Peggy founded SHIELD. Sharon Carter worked for SHIELD –”

“Oh, you did not just mention those two,” Jane said, sounding like she was about to threaten her. She rose a finger. “You are just as smart and beautiful as them.”

Darcy couldn’t take it. She threw up her hands.

“What if I’m not strong enough?”

“What? That’s stupid,” Jane retorted, dismissing her.

“I’m not. I’m strong enough for him,” Darcy said, her voice lower. “And maybe I could have been once but then the Blip happened, and I’m not one of the ones who was left behind, I’m not equipped for that kind of thing. I’m not strong enough.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you –”

“I’m not, I’m not,” Darcy said, her face growing hot. She felt her eyes sting. “When he kissed me I freaked out, I thought I was going to die from the shame of knowing I was afraid.”

“Darcy…”

“Don’t lecture me about what I should be feeling about myself. It’s hard enough trying to keep up with you and the other eggheads here. I’m trying. I’m fucking… trying. It’s a _fucking steep hill_ is all I’m saying.”

Darcy moved back, sighing. She picked up her pen and returned to her work before Jane could continue. She wished she could shut out the world, shut out her own mind.

-

** _We’re heading back tomorrow_ **

** _ETA around 3pm_ **

** _Are you free tomorrow?_ **

Darcy rubbed the sleep dirt from her eyes, squinting down at her phone in the dark as the buzzing woke her in the middle of the night. She hadn’t heard from him in a few days, and after the tirade with Jane, she was feeling unsure about Steve again.

** _Holy shit_ **

** _Yes_ **

She watched the gray bubble pop up and she smiled at his next message:

** _Great, we’ll get that coffee_ **

Darcy didn’t fall back to sleep for a while, not sure if she should call him. She wasn’t sure what she’d tell him, apart from the fact that she was desperate to see him, to be in the same room as him again. She was starting to doubt every little thing, her insecurities dismantling her excitement.

She rolled out of bed earlier than usual, taking her time to shower and dress, eating only a few mouthfuls of oatmeal, sipping her coffee. She dressed in her usual attire, feeling like if she put too much effort into it she’d look uncomfortable. There was a reason Darcy rarely wore high heels. She’d never mastered them, and the idea of Steve seeing her stagger like a drunk newborn lamb was too mortifying for words.

She kept checking the time, the morning trickling by. Data entry was eating away at her sanity. It was a small mercy but Jane hadn’t mentioned Steve to lecture Darcy about her self-worth since the last time he came up. Darcy told Jane he was coming back and she smiled.

“That’s good. How are you feeling?”

“I… don’t know. Weird, I guess,” she replied, lips tweaking into a nervous smile.

When she felt her phone buzz a little after 2PM she unlocked it as quick as physically possible, seeing Steve was calling her.

She answered it, Jane’s eyes watching her from her desk opposite Darcy’s.

“Hey.”

“Hi, are you in the labs?”

“You’re early,” she replied, and he chuckled.

“Yeah – I – yeah. I’m headin’ to the mess hall.”

There would be less people there this time of day, and Darcy wasn’t sure what they’d be like with an audience of gossipy SHIELD and Avengers cohorts. Darcy could feel her heart beating faster, reality beginning to set in. She stood up from her desk, gesturing to Jane who sat smirking at her knowingly.

“I’ll come find you.”

“Okay, sweetheart.”

“Okay. Bye,” she whispered, and she hung up.

She tried to pace herself, picking up her bag and checking she had everything. She patted her hair a couple times, glancing over at Jane.

“Do I look okay?”

“Jesus, you’re head over heels for this guy,” Jane said with a grin and Darcy narrowed her eyes.

“Can you fucking blame me?” she said.

Jane chuckled. “You look good. Go.”

Darcy dashed off, stalking out of the labs and out into the grass she stood on the first time Steve called her weeks ago. The sun felt so good on her skin, and Darcy looked around, seeing a cloudless sky. The days were getting longer. She tried to ground herself, tried to not get caught up in the ways she could somehow screw this up.

When she reached the mess hall, she pushed open the glass door, seeing it was virtually empty except for one table. She recognized Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes, the two men facing toward her, the man opposite them a familiar shape, his broad back toward her.

“Hey,” Sam said, nudging Steve’s foot under the table as Darcy walked over, adjusting the strap of her satchel on her shoulder.

Steve turned and he blinked, taking her in, and he smiled, his whole face lighting up. Darcy’s stomach flipped and she rose a hand, waving it.

“Hey, Lewis,” Sam said when she was close enough to take the spare seat beside Steve, the chair scraping loudly along the floor.

“Hey, guys,” Darcy said. She felt herself blush but pushed through it. “You’re all back in one piece.”

“Yeah, _barely_,” Bucky muttered, and Darcy frowned. He looked at Steve, nodding. “He’s been a wreck.”

Steve ducked his head, letting out a short laugh and shaking his head. Sam snickered.

“Really?” Darcy said, turning her head to Steve. “Why?”

“I think…” Bucky rose, grabbing Sam’s arm and dragging him out of his chair. “We’ve got some paperwork to fill out. Steve was doin’ his all the way back, tryin’ to get it outta the way.”

Steve remained quiet and Darcy smiled, seeing his eyes resting on her foot beside his under the table.

“Yeah, we’ll leave you to it,” Sam added.

The two men walked off, and Darcy rose her hand to wave at them and Bucky scratched his nose, smirking as Sam waggled his eyebrows. Darcy turned her head back to Steve, locking eyes with him.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey,” he echoed.

He moved toward her, closing the gap. He pressed a kiss to her lips, so brief and simple that it was almost casual, like they’d done it a thousand times before, except for his hand touching her jean-clad knee.

When he pulled back, he glanced over at the counters where the two cafeteria workers were standing, chatting to one another in low voices, making sandwiches and restocking the trays as the chefs worked behind.

“You want coffee?”

“Yeah,” Darcy said. “Please.”

“You still take it black?”

Darcy’s eyebrows rose a fraction. She was surprised he remembered.

“Yeah.”

He flashed a smile and got up, walking over. Darcy’s eyes fell to his ass immediately, tilting her head. He was still wearing his tactical outfit, which was tight enough to show off all the contours of his muscles. Darcy averted her gaze, wondering if he could sense her eyes on his rear when he turned back, carrying to cups of coffee.

They sat together, both of them quiet. They’d sat this way before, over the years. He’d slip in beside her at a table or on a couch and they’d sit watching something or someone, settled. She never worried before about what he was thinking, and the littlest part of her told her now to not let it happen. He was contented just sitting beside her.

He rubbed his eyes a couple times, their eyes meeting.

“Wanna go for a walk?” Darcy asked. They’d both finished their coffee.

“I’d love to,” he murmured.

She picked up her bag and they walked out together. It really was a beautiful day. It couldn’t be more beautiful. They walked slowly in the grass, finding a tree and they sat down together. Darcy flopped onto her back and Steve followed her, their shoulders touching.

“This is… this is good,” he murmured.

Darcy smiled, turning onto her side and propping herself up on one elbow, watching his face. His eyes swiveled to meet hers and his gaze was warm.

“So what’s this I heard about you being a wreck?” Darcy asked, and Steve burst into a smile, chuckling.

“Jesus. Shoulda known you wouldn’t let that go,” he muttered. He glanced away, thinking. “Bucky’s such a jerk.”

“Hmm,” Darcy said, waiting. She knew she’d thank Bucky one day for teasing Steve in front of her.

Steve turned over onto his side, his hand reaching to touch Darcy’s other arm, gliding down to thread his gloved fingers through hers.

“Been miles away all the time, sweetheart. Thinkin’ about you.”

Darcy’s lips parted. He was so honest it made her chest ache.

“Me, too.”

They moved toward one another, their lips crashing together. Darcy sighed, Steve’s arms wrapping around her, pulling her on top of him. Darcy sank her teeth into his lower lip and he grunted, his tongue meeting hers, tangling together in a second, searing kiss that took Darcy’s breath away.

They kept at it until Darcy resurfaced, Steve’s lips pressing to her nose and then her forehead and she laughed, so consumed by his open affection. She closed her eyes, leaning forward to press her forehead to his, breathing him in.

“Steve…”

He kissed her cheek, her jaw. He moved back up to kiss her mouth again, gentle presses. It was like he couldn’t bear to stop.

“If we’re gonna do this…” Darcy pressed on, and she opened her eyes, staring down at him.

“Do what?” he said, his voice low and rough, the sound going right between Darcy’s legs.

“If we’re gonna do this, I want to do it right,” she said.

She’d thought about it for weeks. She couldn’t ignore that Steve was so different to everyone else she’d ever been this close to. Not because he was Captain America, but because this had a new significance. It was terrifying, but Darcy had to respect the newness of it, and not try to sabotage it straight away, try and poke holes into it.

“I want to go on dates, and – and – and go slow.”

Steve pulled back, eyebrows hiking.

“Sure. If you want.”

Darcy wanted to sit on his pretty face, but the idea was that this thing between them was so much more than fucking. It had been building steadily for years at a time.

He cupped her face with one of his big hands, his thumb rubbing Darcy’s cheek.

“Okay?” Darcy said, and he nodded.

“I promise it’s okay.”

She leaned down and kissed him again as thoroughly as she could.

-

If that was their first date, it was a first of many things for Darcy. She didn’t ever get that honest with a guy that fast. She never put any of her emotional needs first. She usually gave into her urges to rip of her clothes and jump into bed, and now she was taking it so slowly with Steve since he got back that Jane was the person to bulge her eyes at her choices.

“You haven’t even...?” Jane said, and she dropped her voice so that the interns in the lab couldn’t hear. “Like, what base are we talking?”

Darcy’s cheeks flushed. “I dunno, maybe none of your business?”

“So nothing, then,” Jane said, her face slackening. She almost sounded bored. “So he’s still old-fashioned about that?”

“Uh, no. Who said it was him pumping the brakes?” Darcy retorted. She snapped her Kit Kat she’d unwrapped into two, biting it and chewing.

Jane looked stunned for several seconds.

“I’m sorry, am I talking to the same Darcy Lewis who once said she’d rather starve to death than not have sex?” Jane said, her voice a little sharper.

An intern looked up from their laptop and Darcy put up a hand.

“Jane’s exaggerating,” she said, before shooting daggers at her boss. “Let’s not divulge too much.”

“Doesn’t sound like there’s anything to divulge,” Jane retorted.

Darcy pouted, hoping that was the end of it. The truth was, she was playing it safe. She thought maybe she’d disappoint Steve sooner if she slept with him early in their relationship. She was afraid that after doing the deed, he’d see there wasn’t much to her. He’d see she wasn’t what he wanted, what he needed. Maybe he’d think she was shallow or immature.

It didn’t stop her from kissing him all the time. He’d come by the labs and they’d eat lunch outside, making out even when they heard Sam’s distant wolf-whistling and taunts. He’d pull her aside at parties and kiss her until she couldn’t breathe. He’d have his arm around her, keeping her close always. They went to the city a few times, doing tourist things together, Steve never quite blending in. Darcy would hold his hand while they walked and she’d feel eyes on them, people trying to place him. The whole sunglasses and baseball cap disguise never worked, and Darcy _never_ understood why any of the Avengers thought so.

For the first time ever, Darcy had a boyfriend who was gorgeous, smart and caring. He’d check on her but never caged her in. He listened to her complain, never losing focus. He made her laugh, and laughed at her own jokes in return. He looked at her like she was the only person in the room, the only person he ever saw.

-

It was six weeks and three missions into their relationship by the time Darcy wanted to take it to the next level. She thought if she kept this up any longer she’d die from sexual frustration. There was only so much she could do before thinking it was insane to keep her hands off her very sexy, very generous boyfriend who looked at her like she’d hung the moon.

They were on the phone when he was flying back to New York from another mission in the Netherlands when she brought it up.

“Listen, I – I want you to stay over at my place when you get back,” she said.

She sensed his smile on the other end.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

He probably didn’t understand what she was trying to say, because he’d slept on her couch a couple times when he’d crashed. Darcy didn’t have the heart to torture him (or herself) with him sleeping beside her on her bed.

“I meant you coming home and – well, I’m horny.”

She heard his snort and she giggled.

“Hey, it’s… I’m being honest.”

“I appreciate that, sweetheart,” he murmured. He cleared his throat. “I’m… not alone right now.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” she added, but she wasn’t really. “Probably giving you tight pants. Or _tighter_ pants.”

He chuckled. “It’s okay. Whatever you want, Darce. Whatever you need.”

Why was he so easy with her? It stopped her in her tracks so many times already. She bit her lip, thinking about using her little vibrator and putting a show on for him, but she wasn’t a sadist.

“You don’t sound that excited,” she said. She wasn’t mean, but she wasn’t above teasing.

“I’m fucking ecstatic, alright?” he whispered, and she began to giggle again. “And _you_ are bein’ cheeky.”

“Okay. I’ll be here. Waiting,” Darcy said.

When they hung up, Darcy leapt out of bed and dashed into the shower. She scrubbed, shaved and wrapped herself up in clean clothes. It was the weekend, and maybe the idea of having long stretches of time being with each other alone in her apartment was becoming way too G-rated for Darcy’s tastes.

She wanted to make him come. She wanted that for what felt like a long, long time. She didn’t know quite how long, since she’d always been attracted to him. Maybe it only seem like a tangible thing once they kissed for the first time.

She cleaned a little around her place, doing laundry and sweeping the crud from off her kitchen floor. She wiped down everything and scrubbed the toilet. She even attacked some of the grout in the shower, until she got the message that Steve was landing any minute now and she threw aside her rubber gloves, washing her hands so she didn’t smell so much of bleach.

She sat down on the couch, checking her phone every few seconds as a movie played in front of her. She was certain it was _The Maltese Falcon_, but she wasn’t taking it in. She kept thinking about how the movie was released when Steve was in his mid-twenties. Every so often she remembered how different their lives were to one another, and right now it wasn’t helping her nerves.

What if she was too much? What if he said later that what they did was dirty?

She cursed all the time in front of him and he never bat an eyelid, despite that rumor of him being a controlling asshole when it came to people using colourful language around him. He did it himself, with his little grumpy phrases. He swore with a thick Brooklyn accent, and Darcy thought it was adorable.

She heard a knock and shot up, walking over to answer it. It occurred to her that this was like the first time he came around, the first time they kissed. She’d like to think she was doing better than the last time this happened, the air tense with anticipation as she let him in.

“Hey,” he murmured, pulling her into a brief kiss. “You look really pretty.”

“Oh… thank you,” Darcy replied, beaming up at him. “You look cute.”

“Please, sweetheart,” he said, shaking his head a little. “You win every time.”

Christ, she wanted him. She all but tugged him into another kiss, standing on tip-toes and he groaned against her mouth, seeming to be a little surprised despite what she’d promised him earlier.

Her hands went up to run through his hair. He always liked that, being pulled at and shoved. Darcy supposed it had something to do with it being like they were uncontrollable, and maybe she was edging toward that.

She was needy, greedy with kisses as she pressed him against the wall just beyond the front door, their hips meeting. He held her closer, drinking from her as Darcy moaned, breathing him in, remembering him, feeling so much all at once.

Oh, fuck. She loved him. She pulled back, panting.

Steve touched her face, trying to read her.

“You okay? We’ll slow down. Do you wanna stop?”

“No,” she breathed, and she kissed him again, rougher, shoving him.

He did something incredible, scooping her up, wrapping her legs around his waist and walking them down the hallway and around the corner to her bedroom.

He pulled back from her mouth for a second, eyebrows hiking.

“You made your bed.”

“Yeah,” Darcy panted. “Don’t act so surprised.”

He chuckled, lowering her onto the mattress. Darcy lay back, watching him tug at his plain white t-shirt, pulling it off and throwing it aside. She sucked in a breath, her eyes raking his naked upper half.

“Fuck,” she groaned, and his eyes had a different glint to them, something darker.

Darcy was tugged by the belt loops of her jeans, and then Steve unbuttoned them, pulling them down. Darcy lifted her hips, tugging her underwear down with it. She lay bare to him, her knees drawn up.

Steve moved toward her, pushing her legs open with one knee, kissing her. Darcy felt his hand reach between her legs and she whimpered at the sudden touch.

“Okay?” he murmured.

She nodded. She watched him watch his fingers run through her wet folds, teasing her. Then he moved back down, lifting her shirt to kiss her front and then lower, lower, lower…

Darcy gasped when he reached her cunt, squeezing her eyes shut for a second to process it all. She looked down, seeing his face between her legs, his mouth on her, and she could hear him working her over in enthusiastic strokes, bumping her clit.

“Oh, my fucking… _God_,” she groaned, and he wrapped an arm around her thigh, groaning against her.

He kissed her, explored her, tasted her. He petted her with his middle finger, dipping inside her a couple times before finally filling her past his second knuckle and Darcy couldn’t stop moaning, his finger working in time to his tongue against her clit.

When she came, Darcy’s back arched off the bed and she shouted, pressing her crotch into his face and rubbing him gracelessly, whimpering by the end of it. She pawed at his arms, trying to tug him up toward her.

“Holy shit,” she panted, and she sat up, scrambling over to him and kissing him on the mouth, and he was wet all over, wet with all her arousal and she couldn’t help it, and she didn’t give a fuck if he thought it was dirty.

He groaned, and Darcy’s hands went between them, finding his belt buckle. She broke off the kiss, looking down.

“I’m trying to – this fucking thing…”

She was trying to get to him as fast as possible and Steve moaned when she managed to undo his belt and unbutton him, her hand slipping down and under the waistband of his boxer briefs.

“Let me, let me,” she kept saying, and then she was ducking down, and –

“Holy… _shit_,” Steve gasped, Darcy’s mouth full of his cock. “Oh, fuck. _Fuck_.”

She moved up and down, tasting the precome on his skin, breathing in the scent of his musk, her hand cupping his balls and drawing him deeper into her mouth.

“Darcy, I can’t –”

He dissolved into a moan and Darcy sighed, relaxing her throat, feeling her eyes water as she took him further. She pulled all the way back up, gasping for air, pumping him with her fist.

Darcy never enjoyed blowjobs but she hadn’t wanted to suck a guy off more than Steve, and she was finally doing it, making him nearly break apart from the pleasure of it. It was flattering to say the least. She felt something deep inside her stir when his fingers caught her by the hair, pulling her off his cock to bring her back up to meet his face.

He kissed her, turning them so he sat underneath her, gathering her in his lap. Darcy wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him again and again, feeling his wet cock rub against her stomach.

He tugged at her shirt, breathless.

“Get this off, get this off,” he whispered, and Darcy obliged, tugging off her bra as well. 

They fumbled, Steve’s pants kicked away, and they both were naked, wrapping their arms around one another.

“I’m ready,” she whispered. “I _want_ you.”

Steve’s hand moved between them and Darcy shifted, their eyes locked as she began her descent. When he sunk into her they gasped together, eyes wider.

“Oh, my God,” he whispered.

They stayed still for several seconds, and Darcy brushed his nose with hers, closing her eyes, wanting to remember the feeling of being so full.

She felt safe. She didn’t realize she would, and yet she knew it shouldn’t surprise her. She felt his warm breath on her lips, his hands clutching her face.

“You feel… so fucking good,” he whispered.

Darcy began to rock and they moaned together, and she picked up speed, their kisses turning sloppier the further they went. At one point, Steve planted his foot on the bed and turned them again, and they lay chest to chest, Darcy’s toes beginning to tingle as he took her in long, hard strokes.

“Play with me, here,” she gasped, and Steve looked down at where he disappeared inside her, his thumb reaching to graze her clit and Darcy tensed, starting to whimper again.

They were both moaning, rocking, growing sweaty. Darcy felt it building, tugging inside her, and when she came she stopped moving completely for several seconds, holding her breath.

She crashed, gasping for air as Steve sped up, chasing his own release. She clutched at his face, kissing him again and again, encouraging him.

He broke off their kiss to bury his face in her neck and he came, shuddering against her as he spilled deep inside her. By the end of it, he was shivering, sweat running down his forehead.

They both gave little weak moans as he resurfaced, pulling out of her and flopping down beside her. Darcy chuckled, and Steve smiled at her lazily.

“What’s so funny?” he muttered.

“Never seen you like this before,” she replied.

She stroked his hair and he sighed, his eyes beginning to shut. She watched him fall asleep. Darcy waited another minute before sitting up and walking off to pee and clean up. When she returned, she could hear he was snoring with his face in her quilt cover, and she lay down beside him again, snickering to herself.

When she decided to roll over and try and doze for a little while, one of his hands came up to bring her closer to him, keeping her there. She heard him stir and he kissed her neck, cuddling up to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, by my calculations Steve was 28 when he woke up in 2012, making him in his 40s by 2025. Yes, he's over a 100 technically, but shhhhh...
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	3. iii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading this. I loved writing this. I think this has been one of the most enjoyable writing experiences of my entire life. I love you 3000.

_Ooh, maybe you know, but you're loved by everyone_  
_Or maybe you don't and you feel like you're alone  
__I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die wondering why_

\- "Maybe You Know" by Holy Holy

**iii.**

She could smell exhaust fumes, smoke and dust as she pelted down the pavement. Perhaps from now on Darcy should stow an extra pair of sneakers on her at all times, because the boots she wore weren’t cutting it. She knew they were scuffed beyond repair, and the little heel on them was enough to keep her calf muscles taut as a bow string.

Stupid, stupid, stupid – but Darcy was about to do something even dumber as she turned a corner sharply, holding her Glock aloft to fire at an incoming figure dressed in all-black. She was barely trained for this shit, and way too unfit to do this alone, but circumstances were beyond her control. Everything those days felt beyond her control, but the less Darcy focused on that, the better.

The figure let out a strangled yelp and fell to the ground, Darcy’s stance the same as she waited for them to get up and run at her again. She heard a whistling to her right and turned her gaze toward it, only to be knocked off her feet and thrown against a parked taxi several feet away. When her back slammed into the side of the cab she also hit the back of her head, and she was stunned, dropping her weapon.

It took a few seconds for the moment to sink in, for her to feel any pain among the shock. She blinked dazedly, grunting as she tried to move from her spot on the ground. Her hands stung, and she saw her palms torn up from scraping against the asphalt. She grabbed her gun, aiming it at the two men who were moving toward her. Darcy sucked in a breath, spotting the object she’d been knocked over with – a metal ball on a long chain – and she narrowed her eyes at them.

“Do you guys not _have bullets_ where you’re from?” she muttered.

She couldn’t place the coloured markings on their faces, but she supposed they signified their ranking on their home planet. Darcy read a memo that they were hoping to enslave Earth and leech it of all its natural resources. They spoke in a language Darcy could not place, their tongues black. They could almost pass as human, except for the fact that their fingers were webbed.

Darcy fired off two shots before they got much closer, but it wasn’t enough. She glanced around, hoping to see someone who could help her out. The sky was filled with helicopters and Avengers main players. Darcy took out her phone as she struggled to stand up, holding her pistol in her other hand. She pressed a button to connect to the comms the enhanced fighters on her side were wearing during these types of emergencies.

“Hate to be the gal who says ‘a little help’ but, uh, guys? A little help?” she said into her phone, firing off another two bullets, one for each alien still walking toward her, their teeth bared.

_“Darcy? What the hell are you doin’ out here?” _

She recognized Steve’s voice, the urgency in his pitch. She winced, knowing she should have stayed inside and hid herself. She felt like she had a reasonable excuse this time.

“Saw a kid get dragged by their backpack so I got on that before I could consider the rules, alright? Don’t hold that shit against me. And who the hell missed that, by the way? I’m looking at you guys flying around…”

_“I only have two hands, Darce,” _came Carol’s retort, but she sounded guilty. _“I’m glad you managed to stop that from escalating.”_

_“Escalating?”_ Steve repeated.

Darcy was out of bullets. “Fuck. Someone get here. Please, I’m on the corner of Fife and –”

Rhodey landed in front of her, throwing a few punches, the aliens thrown aside.

“Thanks, buddy,” she said, and she lowered her Glock, flashing him a smile.

“You good, Lewis? You landed pretty hard. How’s your head?”

“No complaints so far,” Darcy said, her dirty joke making Rhodey’s lips quirk for a second before he narrowed his eyes at some other bogies in the distance.

“Get under some cover,” he said, and he took off.

Darcy managed to make her way down the street, listening to several people over the comms, and then her phone buzzed against her ear and she checked it, glancing down at the display.

Steve was calling her on another line and she answered it, anticipating his stern tone.

“Hi.”

“Get your ass inside _now_.”

“Nice to hear you, too, babe,” she muttered, but she broke into a jog, glancing around to see if there was any immediate danger. 

A woman scurried past carrying her screaming baby in her arms and Darcy’s heart ached for them, but she fought the urge to stop and instead pointed the way she was going.

“Come on. I work with the Avengers,” she said, beckoning her.

The woman hesitated, shaking her head. She didn’t trust Darcy, and Darcy wouldn’t blame her. The aliens looked like ordinary people for the most part.

“Get out of the street,” Darcy said to her, and she shook her head again, her baby squalling.

There was an explosion nearby, and Darcy felt the building beside her rumbling, glass falling to the ground. Darcy shielded her face, waiting to feel the debris hit. She gripped her phone a little tighter.

“Steve, what was that?”

There was no answer.

“Steve? Where are you? STEVE!”

Another explosion, louder, much closer. Darcy glanced around, seeing the woman and her baby were gone from her sight and she took off as fast as she could, despite the pain all over her back and the back of her head, her feet pounding the pavement once more.

She hung up, going back to the comms. There was a flurry of voices, all arguing, overlapping one another. Darcy could hear Carol and Rhodey arguing, something about being reckless.

“What’s happening? Where’s Steve?” Darcy asked, and they fell silent.

Darcy moved into an alley, resting against a wall and panting, her eyes darting around. She had some idea of the seriousness of the situation if they were reluctant to tell her where her boyfriend was. If they didn’t want her to worry, they should have answered her sooner.

_“He’s – Darcy, he’s running straight at the guy with the missile launcher on the Tower.”_

Carol’s voice rang in her ears and Darcy looked up, trying to make out anything from her viewpoint. There was another loud explosion, but different to before, a loud warbling sound that could only mean a vibranium shield getting in the way. Darcy froze.

That thing about time being different when you’re in shock? It wasn’t something Darcy only saw in the movies anymore. Since the Destroyer in New Mexico and the Dark Elves, time itself was distorted and she saw it again then as she stood staring up at the horror on the Avengers Tower.

He was okay. It would have killed an ordinary man. Steve broke several bones, shattered his kneecaps, and burned himself bad enough that he was in hospital an entire month. Darcy stayed with him through it all. There was no coming back from that incident. It was like the basement but so much worse – she knew now since falling in love with him that losing Steve was a unique, excruciating type of pain. 

-

“Move in here,” Darcy said one night when they sat on her couch together, his arm around her.

They both finished dinner and were watching a movie. They did the same thing nearly every night. Darcy knew that simplicity between them was the opposite of all the other parts of their lives. Together in Darcy’s little space they were good. They were great. Darcy never felt closer to another person her whole life.

“You sure?” he asked, and she tilted her head in silent retort, lifting one eyebrow.

-

“I’m gonna be fine,” Darcy gasped, but she could feel the blood on her hands as she clutched her stomach.

She was so very human. She learned that more with each week, and maybe Steve saw it sharpest of all through his lens. She didn’t bounce back like him. It wasn’t physically possible for her do. Getting stabbed in a crowd was apparently part of the deal.

She felt tears streaming down her cheeks as she lay back on the ground, Steve’s face above hers, his hands meeting hers to try to staunch the flow of blood spilling. She felt the tears meet her hairline. She was crying out of pure fear, a knee-jerk reaction. She wished she could seem braver than she was. She wished she was better at pretending.

“Shh, shh, don’t try to speak,” he whispered. “Just keep your eyes on me, okay? Sweetheart? Hey, hey, look at me…”

Floating in and out of consciousness, waking up in a white room with an IV stuck in her hand, her head propped up by several pillows, the antiseptic stench filling her nostrils, Darcy knew she wasn’t cut out for this – the other side of the incident, being the injured one. Steve came into view and she blanched at the sight of his grave face. He looked wracked with guilt, the lines of his forehead more prominent. The man who didn’t age, the man out of time, looked somehow so much older when he was sad. It broke something inside Darcy and she knew she’d never recover from it as long as she lived.

Darcy began to bawl and he flew to her, trying to comfort her.

-

Steve yelled in his sleep sometimes. It depended on a number of things, but the main source was stress. If he was particularly worn out, he’d dream of Bucky falling from the freight train, or Tony snapping his fingers, or his mom Sarah closing her eyes for the last time.

He’d twist in the sheets and startle Darcy awake, and she’d roll over and try to touch him, get him to wake up from the nightmares. She’d console him the best she could, but she knew he needed more help. Someone actually qualified to listen to him. He insisted she helped him a lot.

They argued about him more than the other things. The simpler things should have made them fight, right? Like him leaving dirty boots in places and forgetting about them, or her inability to stop buying stupid shit for their place they didn’t need.

-

“You’re mad at me.”

“What makes you think that?” she muttered, sipping her coffee. It was her fifth that day, but Steve knew not to bring it up. Nothing came between Darcy and food, including caffeinated things.

He moved closer to her, invading her space. He tried this tactic sometimes when she refused to look him in the eye like right now, and he’d tilt his head down and kiss her. Or at least try to.

“No,” she said, moving back, and he dropped his arms, sighing. “You don’t get to kiss me right now. You don’t get to touch.”

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry –”

“Don’t ‘sweetheart’ me!” she snapped, raising one finger.

“It’s a reflex, I’m sorry,” he said, the hint of a smile on his face and he was trying to be serious, covering his mouth to smother his amusement.

“I’m serious. I’m pissed off,” she snapped.

-

He woke her up sometimes with his lips trailing down her front, and by the time she made sense of the world, he was reaching for her sleep shorts and pulling them down.

“Helluva way to wake up, babe,” she said with a yawn, and he chuckled, leaning down to lick her.

Darcy canted her hips to meet his face and she moaned, her eyes fluttering shut.

-

“You’ve never called me Cap,” he murmured once, a year into their living together.

They were watching the sun set and Darcy turned to see him glancing at her face instead of the scenery, and she blinked.

“It’s not your name,” she replied.

Something passed over his face and Darcy wanted to take it away. He held so much inside him. She wished he’d talk more about it. It wasn’t that he lied to her, it was something worse.

-

There were stretches of time alone at home, her arms wrapped around her knees wishing he’d call her, give her some sign he was safe. Sometimes she heard nothing for days and trying to function without him there was like stumbling through a dream, having no control over her limbs.

Sometimes Darcy argued with Jane about it, because her boss was able to function better than she was, despite being with Thor, who’d also still disappeared.

“Can’t you be more sensitive?” Darcy snapped, and Jane narrowed her eyes.

“Oh, because I’m not screaming and crying like you, I’m not missing my boyfriend as much as you miss yours? That’s unfair,” she hissed.

It made Darcy walk out of the labs, telling her she’d come back tomorrow, she was done for now. There was only so much shrewd advice she could take. Darcy was emotional, still impulsive as ever.

She and Jane made up. It wasn’t even a real fight. Darcy knew she and Jane had different methods.

-

Darcy went into Manhattan for two weeks every three months to help liaise with new Avengers coming in, the teenagers that needed extra help.

After a couple instances like the roof explosion she witnessed, she told Steve she wanted to stick to the research on the compound instead.

“But you’re really good at it,” Steve said. He watched Darcy stab a roast potato, her gaze fixed on her plate in front of her. “You make everyone feel welcome, and you’re so kind –”

“I think it hurts a little too much,” Darcy cut in. She finally glanced up, seeing Steve’s face fall.

“Sure,” he said, his voice smaller.

She felt the urge to elaborate, but for once she let it settle there between them, that she’d reached a limit.

-

“Angel,” Steve murmured into her hair, and she laughed breathlessly, their legs tangling together under the sheets.

“What?”

“You’re a beautiful wingless angel.”

Darcy wanted to roll her eyes but he kissed her over and over, and she was so warm and wanted in his arms.

-

During most missions Darcy knew Steve barely slept. It was how he was wired, or something like that – the serum was responsible for his superior hearing so he was sensitive to sounds, but it didn’t take credit for his inability to get to sleep in dead quiet.

He made the mistake of admitting that he was nocturnal during one tour of the Amazon jungle. He rose at sunset after sleeping through every day. Hearing this horrified Darcy, and yet she knew there was a chance that this happened – she’d be naïve to believe otherwise.

“Then – then… maybe…”

She couldn’t form the sentence at the time on the phone. It wasn’t until several days later when he’d returned to the compound that she’d managed to work out the kinks of her argument, only to lose her nerve when it came to expressing what she wanted.

“I love you no matter what,” she began, and he frowned.

“But…?” he said, and she shook her head, deciding too late that she’d said too much.

She waved her hand, shaking her head some more and taking off to put his dirty laundry in the hamper for him next to the machine. He took it from her, and she levelled his gaze, her eyes wider.

“What? What’re you askin’ me, Darcy?”

“I –”

“Are you askin’ me to stop? You askin’ me to retire?”

He’d never said it out loud before. It felt forbidden.

“I would _never_ ask you that!” she yelled, and her eyes were full of tears so suddenly she scared not only Steve but herself.

She’d been thinking about it since before they were even dating. She wondered if he’d ever be able to hang up his boots, and she wasn’t under any illusions – he would never do that for her. In a way, it was crazy for her to expect it of him. He wasn’t most people.

She walked out of the apartment then and sat under one of the trees by the field, drawing her knees up to hug them to her chest. She buried her head, sighing.

-

They were only ever operating in extremes. They were either so good it felt perfect, making love and learning about one another all the time, knowing each other so well that Darcy could no longer remember a time when they didn’t have one another. It was pure joy, the deepest love imaginable. A love Darcy never thought she’d be part of.

When it was bad, she’d end up screaming at him, feeling sick with anxiety. He’d be going off on another mission and she wasn’t allowed to know when he’d be back. It was to protect her, to not compromise anyone involved.

-

One night alone she lay on her back in the tub, her ears beneath the water so she could only hear the echoes of her own body soaking, the currents she made with her hands. She closed her eyes and thought of where Steve could possibly be, and whether he lied to her about it all.

Lied by omission. He didn’t have scars on his body. He healed differently. She wondered how much he really kept inside to protect her.

She felt so angry she lowered herself further down and screamed and screamed.

-

He came home once more a week later and Darcy would usually let him settle, let him try and ease back into sleeping in a bed with her, doing normal everyday things. He pulled her into a kiss but he sensed her unease immediately, looking down at her in the kitchen, his brows knitting together with concern.

“Sweetheart?”

“Can we… can we sit down?”

His lips parted and he swallowed. “Sure.”

They sat together on the couch, and Darcy knew she had to get it out now before she could convince herself to put it off more. She wanted to say this for weeks and she couldn’t keep it in anymore. She didn’t want to make it worse, give herself an ulcer or something.

She raked a hand through her hair, pushed her glasses up. She tried to psyche herself up, deciding a deep breath had to do. She closed her eyes, then opened them, made a point to look him in the eye.

It hurt but she knew she had to.

“I… I don’t know what to do. And maybe I need you to tell me,” she began.

A beat.

“It’s one of the things you’re best at. It’s something you’re there for, being a leader. If I asked you what to do you’d tell me, whatever I needed it for. Except maybe…”

She licked her lips, feeling her eyes sting.

“Tell me what to do, tell me…”

She sniffed, glancing around the room before moving her eyes back to meet his once more.

“It’s you. I don’t know what to do to help you. Maybe because it’s you, I can’t ask you to –”

She put her face in her hands, and she began to sob. It was like everything was coming to the surface. The spell was broken. She wasn’t sure when exactly things changed too much for things to ever be the same. She was either ecstatic or depressed, all other options gone. 

She took her hands away, seeing Steve had done the same thing, covered his face with his hands but he’d gone quiet. He hadn’t bawled like her.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she whispered, her throat thick.

-

Steve did the noble thing, the very Steve thing, and moved out to make it easier.

Darcy knew this was the hardest thing she’d ever do, to walk away, but she had to. She had to believe that putting herself first for once was necessary. It wasn’t until she decided to break up with Steve that she realized that she’d done it all her life – put other people’s needs before her own.

She thought it might come from some deep seeded insecurity. She didn’t ever like to be a nuisance so she became so giving and low-maintenance that she stopped valuing herself.

-

She lost a part of herself, but she was somehow still there.

To Jane’s credit, she never turned her back on Darcy for her decision. She’d made the same one years ago. She let her take time off, avoiding people’s questions, like why was Steve moving back to Brooklyn? Hadn’t he settled in the compound over the last few years? Why the change, and why was Darcy not going with him?

-

Darcy had to believe this decision was the right one. In her darkest moments she thought less of herself, thinking of _The Wizard of Oz_. She had no heart, no brain and no courage.

-

Several weeks after Steve moved out Darcy vacuumed in her bedroom, finding one of his t-shirts wedged between her bed and the wall. She picked it up, and without thinking she put it close to her nose and smelt it.

She closed her eyes and began to sob, falling to her knees as the vacuum cleaner drowned her out.

-

Of course there were reminders of their relationship everywhere. There were photographs of them together that other people took. There were memories people recalled. Birthdays and holidays and so many occasions. Everything felt tainted for a long, long time.

-

“What do you do for a living?”

Darcy smirked, fiddling with the stem of her wineglass. The man sitting opposite her had no idea who she was or who she worked for. She had some advantage, then.

“I’m a research assistant.”

“Oh, what kind of research?” he asked.

Darcy glanced at his nametag. “Well, Devin. You know anything about the Blip?”

His eyes widened. “You research space stuff?”

Darcy made a face. “What? No. I research astrophysics.”

He stared at her a little longer than necessary, confused. He picked up his beer and sipped it, considering what she said. When the bell dinged signalling the men stand up and rotate on seat over, Darcy didn’t expect Devin to come back and request her number for later.

Dating of any kind was soul-sucking and disgusting, and Darcy wished the whole idea of it could be abolished. She only tried it so she’d feel less alone. She couldn’t pretend that she didn’t compare literally every new man she met with Steve Rogers.

Maybe she’d become the bitter woman she was always meant to be.

-

She made her way to Manhattan a year after the breakup. It was in the middle of summer, the city humid, the air like velvet.

She came by to meet with some new recruits for the R&D department of the compound and waited in the lobby while everyone else seemed to walk past her. She was thankful for the air-conditioning she used to bitch about being cranked up way too high.

“Hey.”

She turned her head, and felt her stomach drop. Steve stood several feet away, on his way to the elevators. He looked the same, wearing a pair of slacks and a white t-shirt, his hands in his pockets. Darcy unpeeled herself from her chair, getting up.

“Hi,” she said, and she smiled. She couldn’t help it. She was too surprised to be scared, it seemed.

He smiled at her, too, and they leaned toward one another and Darcy kissed his cheek, feeling herself blush when they separated.

“How… how are you?” he asked. “Jesus, it’s been forever.”

“Yeah, it’s… it’s crazy,” Darcy said. “I’m here to meet some kids for Jane. You on leave, or…?”

She didn’t know how to ask him what she wanted to know. Was he doing the same? Was he sleeping at all?

She didn’t see a ring on his finger. She supposed she would have heard that kind of news anyway, but she wondered just the same. Had he met anyone else?

“About to go meet Bucky and Sam about intel,” he said.

“Say hi to them for me,” she said. Those two were usually out of the country like Steve was, working for SHIELD. Darcy was glad that both of them minded their own business and never gave her a hard time about the breakup. She knew they were on Steve’s side, anyway.

“Will do,” he said, smiling.

He was so beautiful that Darcy looked away, biting her lip.

“You look after yourself, okay?” he added, and Darcy glanced back at him.

His smile didn’t reach his eyes. There was the old hurt there, and it probably showed on her face, too. She nodded, pressing her lips together.

He backed up toward the elevators and Darcy watched him leave, raising a hand to wave. When he disappeared from her view, she let out the breath she was holding.

-

She slept with a guy from Bumble. He worked in insurance and Darcy found him after her meeting in Manhattan. She reached out because the idea of being alone that night was too unappealing.

She used to be okay with silence. She was always introverted, but somewhere over the years she got sick of hearing herself breathe in empty rooms.

He rolled off of her, disposing the condom in the little bin by the bed and Darcy lay on her side, listening to him go into the bathroom and clean up. She picked up her phone and glanced at her notifications, seeing Jane was asking how the date went. She sent of a vague reply of **_fine_** and turned her phone back over.

Her date flashed her a little smile when he returned to the bedroom.

“I had fun.”

“Me, too,” Darcy replied. She wasn’t altogether lying, but maybe she was laying it on a little thicker than usual. “But I’m beat.”

“Yeah, I’ll go,” he said. “It was nice meeting you.”

She’d never see him again. Darcy smiled at him, watching him put his clothes back on and leave her there. She went into the bathroom and cleaned up, thinking the day over. She thought about ordering room service to fill the time, but it was late, and –

Her phone buzzed when Darcy stood by the landline contemplating the laminated menu in her hand and she picked it up, seeing a message.

** _Can I call you?_ **

It was Steve. Darcy felt her stomach flip, that old friend from back before she knew how close she could be with him. The friend who was really her enemy, the friend that made her crazy with longing.

She didn’t reply to his message for an hour. She turned on the TV and watched the news, seeing there was a hurricane in the Pacific and the clean-up was meant to cost way more than what a little island nation could afford. An anchor mentioned foreign aid and Darcy wondered if that meant Steve would be flown out there.

She sent back a message, just a simple **_yes _**and waited a few minutes before her phone buzzed again and she watched it for several rings, wondering if it was a good idea to speak to him. She took a deep breath and unlocked it, putting it to her ear.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” he replied. “Thank you for picking up.”

It occurred to her that he was afraid she was mad at him. She could never be, not really. She supposed it made it worse, that she couldn’t think about him in terms that were ever black and white.

“Are you going to clean-up for the hurricane?”

She heard his breathing for a beat.

“No, I don’t get called out for those types of jobs anymore.”

That surprised Darcy. She watched the TV anchor pointing out on a map the worst affected areas of the devastation.

“Why are you calling, Steve?” she asked. There was no point beating around the bush. It wasn’t her style anymore. She never truly mastered it before Steve, anyway.

“I didn’t think you’d say yes,” he replied.

Darcy stared straight ahead, no words forming. Even after all they’d been through, he thought he was the bad guy. It wasn’t as if she was with him against her will.

“Steve.”

“I thought maybe by the time I called you’d let me go to Voicemail, and then I’d either hang up or I’d come up with something to say, something better.”

Darcy felt her stomach twist and she closed her eyes.

“Better than what?”

He went quiet and Darcy gripped her phone a little tighter.

“Better than what, Steve?”

“I’m sorry, I’ll let you go. It’s late.”

Darcy felt it rise up inside her before she could stop it, the impulse to catch him, to rip the words out of him.

“Don’t you dare hang up on me! Tell me what you meant to say.”

To her surprise, he let out a short laugh.

“Jesus.”

Darcy felt a giggle bubble up and she couldn’t stop herself, sighing a little at her dramatic outburst.

Then she felt it, the thing she’d never thought she’d feel again, the little world opening up that belonged to them, and only them. She sighed again. She could tell he felt it, too.

“I miss you.”

Darcy sucked in a breath. “Yeah. I thought you might say that.”

Did she miss him, too? Yes. That felt like a given. She missed having someone next to her, someone to share her life with.

She knew it went beyond that, too. She missed the time she spent with him, the hours of kissing and love-making and talking. Hours of her life with him she’d never take back. She would never regret any of it.

“Can I call you again?” he asked.

She mulled it over. She never saw him anyway. She lived upstate while he was in Brooklyn, apparently in his old neighborhood according to Thor.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” he echoed. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” she murmured, and she hung up.

She stared at her phone in her hand, hoping she wasn’t making a mistake. She didn’t want to string him along, take advantage of him somehow.

-

He didn’t call her the following day. He called her a week later when she was finishing up her dinner in front of the TV, and she almost pressed the red decline button because she was tired.

When Darcy was tired she tended to say too much without thinking, and she suspected Steve knew that. But he could just be wide awake wherever he was, unaware that it was the end of the night for her.

“Hey.”

“Hey, what’s up?” she said, trying to sound light, almost casual.

“Not much. Are you headin’ to bed?”

Darcy smirked. “Uh, might have a bath.”

“Sounds good. Were you on your feet all day?”

Darcy remembered then the times he’d rub her feet when she lay in the bathtub. He’d press the arch of her foot and make her groan, and things usually progressed to him being tugged down to kiss her, and sometimes she’d pull him into the tub, water spilling everywhere.

“Yeah,” she replied, her eyes misting from the happy memories. “Yeah, I’m really sleepy. What about you, were you training today?”

“I did, but only half the day. I had therapy this afternoon,” Steve replied.

Darcy sat up straighter on the couch.

“You’re seeing a therapist?” she asked.

“Yeah. Have been for a few months.”

Darcy didn’t know what to say, and she stammered a little when she finally replied.

“I-I-I’m glad. That’s good.”

He gave a short breathless laugh. “Yeah.”

They fell silent and Darcy waited for him, listened to him breathe. Darcy licked her lips, wondering what she could ask, whether she had any right to know such things.

“Has it…helped?”

“I think so,” he replied. “Don’t sleep too good, still.”

The admission hit Darcy in the gut and she closed her eyes, thinking of him all alone in his apartment, the city wide awake around him as he failed to shut everything out. At least he loved Brooklyn because he grew up there.

“You didn’t have to know that,” he added.

“I don’t mind,” Darcy replied instantly. “Really, I don’t.”

They fell silent once more, and Darcy felt her chest tighten. She wondered how long it might take for her to blurt something else, to give herself something to regret in the morning.

“I better let you go,” Steve said, and Darcy made a humming sound in agreement.

“Yeah. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

She hung up, sniffling.

-

She loved him still. She never thought that would stop. She didn’t need it to stop, either. It surprised her that over the past year she hadn’t tried to distance herself in that respect.

Captain America was everywhere. His merchandise was in every store, he was on stamps, he had monuments all over the country.

Darcy knew Steve. She loved Steve. Captain America represented Steve’s values but they weren’t the same person.

She hoped he knew that. She hoped he knew that without being Captain America, he was still a good man. He was still worthy. He was still enough.

A few days after they last spoke, Darcy sent him a message. She sent it because she didn’t want him to feel like he was somehow less important to her. She wasn’t afraid to tell him that.

** _Call me whenever you want. You don’t have to ask. I’m here. _ **

She spent the rest of the day wondering if she took it too far, and maybe he would be hurt by that. They weren’t together anymore and he could see that blurring some line. She reminded herself that he was the one who told her he missed her.

He sent her a message when she was walking back to her place from the labs as the sun set.

** _Thank you. I’m here, too._ **

Darcy smiled at the message. She opened the camera on her phone and took a picture of the sunset, sending it straight away.

-

When she caved in and told Jane about the phone calls, her boss reacted in an unexpected way.

“So when are you going to ask him to come back?”

Darcy paused her note taking, glancing up from her notebook.

“It’s not like that. I don’t think we’ll get back together.”

Jane made an exaggerated face. “Well, okay.”

“I’m serious,” Darcy said immediately, but Jane still wasn’t convinced. “We’d be better as friends. And he doesn’t have to see my sad face all the time.”

She knew she was emotional. She thought she’d get better at managing her emotions with age, but she was wrong. She was a lot to deal with.

-

When Darcy answered his call a few days later, Jane was on her mind, but the second she heard Steve’s voice again he concerns were all but gone.

It had always been easy to be friendly with him. He was a sweet guy. He was sentimental, too. She hoped that didn’t work against them if she was to ever be in the same room as him again.

“What’re you doin’?” he murmured. He sounded sleepy.

“Watching a Hallmark movie.”

“Remember that one we watched last Christmas? It was…”

“The worst thing you ever saw, I remember,” Darcy said, and she began to laugh. “Wait, what if I watched it again and gave you an entire commentary?”

He chuckled. “Okay. I’m fadin’ fast, but…”

Darcy managed to find it and pressed play, settling back in her seat.

“So the lady is walking out to her car. She’s blonde and pretty but _she doesn’t know it_…”

She kept at it for twenty minutes or so before Steve’s replies became further apart, and she could tell he was trying to stay awake.

“Go to bed.”

“Nah, I’ll –” he yawned. “I’m listenin’.”

Darcy began to giggle.

“Hey, don’t laugh at me.”

He went quiet again and Darcy could hear his soft, steady breathing. She could picture him with his dark eyelashes resting against his cheeks, the little pink blotches on his face, his lips parted.

She felt warm, and the most relaxed she’d been in a long time, and she moved down further in her seat, closing her eyes.

She startled awake and picked up her phone, seeing she’d dropped it between the couch cushions. She was still on her call with Steve.

“Steve?” she murmured. “Steve?”

She waited a few seconds before she heard a grunt followed by another yawn.

“We both fell asleep,” she said.

“Oh, shit. Better get to bed.”

“Yeah,” Darcy said.

She got up from the couch, switching the TV off and walking toward her bedroom. Neither of them said goodnight. Darcy didn’t realize it until she was standing in front of her sink.

She waited, hearing Steve moving around on his end. If she concentrated, she could hear the city in the background.

“You wanna… stay on the line?” Darcy said.

“Okay.”

Darcy put down her phone and brushed her teeth, picking it up again to walk into the bedroom and lie down on the bed. She moved her Kindle out of the way and lay on her back, listening to Steve do the same.

“Is it getting colder at night these days?” Darcy murmured.

“Yeah. Leaves are startin’ to change, too. Next thing y’know, it’ll be the end of the year.”

His accent came through more when he was sleepy.

“Stay on the line,” she said again, and he chuckled softly.

“Okay.”

“So I know you fall asleep,” she added.

“Hmm.”

Darcy put her phone next to her head on the pillow, putting it on speaker as she closed her eyes. Darcy listened to him settle, his breath slowing. When he began to snore she smiled, reaching to end the call.

-

“Lewis! What’s up?”

Darcy ran to Sam with her arms open and he pulled her into a hug, lifting her off her feet with a groan, his smile infectious. Darcy kissed his cheek, looking down at the black duffel bag at his feet.

“You guys just got in?”

Bucky was coming over in the distance, Steve beside him.

“Yeah.”

When the others reached them Darcy felt her stomach flip, pulling Bucky into a brief hug before Steve.

“Flew all the way here, huh?” Darcy said. “Your arms must be tired.”

There was a beat and Sam rolled his eyes.

“Okay, Lewis. You get one, _one_ joke per day. That was today’s one.”

He held up a finger and she scoffed, waving a hand.

“Oh, please. I’m just warming up. And I haven’t even started drinking yet. _That’s_ when it gets good.”

She heard they were coming for the Christmas party that night. For the last few months she and Steve had been calling one another every other day. She’d been looking forward to seeing them all. It was getting easier every day, being Steve’s friend. It was never hard before they dated, anyway.

She winked at Steve before turning her heel and walking them through the grass. She held up a hand to wave at Wanda who’d also made her way from the city. Carol had arrived that morning.

“You two –” Darcy pointed to Bucky and then Steve. “-are bunking together.”

Bucky gave a nod while Steve seemed distracted, looking around. Darcy knew he hadn’t been there in over a year and the place had a lot of new faces.

Darcy left them to it, going to her place to get ready. She changed into her new maroon dress she bought for the occasion, smoothing the material as she looked in her bathroom mirror. She knew she was thinking about what Steve would make of her.

“Get it together,” she muttered to herself, sighing. “Just get through the damn night.”

The booze was flowing and Darcy picked up a glass of champagne on her way into the party, spotting Carol first. She’d cut her hair again, short and coiffured just so, wearing a red suit with big gold buttons and high-heeled boots. She towered over Darcy, who’d decided to opt out of challenging footwear.

“Hey, I’m so glad you’re here,” Darcy said, pulling her into a hug. “You get something to eat?”

“Stop trying to manage everyone, Darce,” Carol said, laughing. “It’s your night off. And I thought you didn’t wrangle us enhanced guys anymore.”

Darcy rose one eyebrow. “You seen what the kids get up to most days? It’s like a frat house around here.”

“Well, thank God I never moved here permanently,” Carol muttered.

Darcy sipped her drink and saw Wanda wander over.

“Hey, is Cap here yet?” Wanda said, and Darcy nodded, craning her head to find Steve’s back to her on the other side of the room, deep in conversation with Peter Parker.

Darcy’s eyes fell to Steve’s ass and she swung her gaze away, taking another drink.

“I wanna do a shot,” Wanda said, and Darcy burst into a smile.

Darcy was tipsy within an hour, and then drunk by the end of the night. It could be worse, but she knew she’d pay for it in the morning. She hadn’t been this careless in a while. She put it down to her nerves getting the best of her. She kept reaching for something to drink to keep herself occupied.

At one point, she was holding her nose and throwing back a shot of Jameson when Steve came up behind her, Wanda’s eyes lighting up.

“Hey! I missed you,” she said, and Darcy got out of their way to let Steve hug Wanda.

“Missed you, too,” he replied. He glanced at Darcy, who was making a face of disgust at the bite of her whisky shot. “You good here?”

“Yeah,” Darcy replied, swallowing hard. “Maximoff’s struggling to keep up.”

Her words were slurring a little and she felt her face flush even more than it already was. Sam was nearby, looking similarly affected.

“I’m done,” he said, shaking his head at the new shot Darcy poured for him. “Imma ‘bout to pass out. Where’s Barnes?”

“I saw him by the… what is it? I think of the word – oh, balcony!” Darcy said, and she felt Steve’s eyes on her, watching her flail around. “Bucky was on the balcony last time I checked.”

There weren’t many people left over. Darcy was putting off crawling into bed. She figured the longer she was up, the sooner she’d start to sober up, except she kept drinking the entire time, defeating the purpose of staying awake.

“Night, then,” Sam said, and he planted a kiss on Darcy’s forehead. “Night, night, night. Look after yourself, honey.”

Darcy began to giggle and he winked at her, smirking.

He walked out, and Wanda yawned.

“Me, too,” she said, and her cup began to levitate its way to a table with empty bottles and paper plates. “I’m done.”

All the while, Darcy was aware of Steve beside her but she didn’t turn to look at him until they were alone, and when she did she wished she wasn’t so drunk. It was overwhelming.

“Let’s get you to bed,” he said, and he took her by the elbow, her drink in his other hand.

He set it down carefully and they walked out together, her head leaning against his shoulder, her eyes half shut.

The cold air hit her and Darcy’s teeth began to chatter, shivering against Steve.

“You’re warm,” she mumbled, remembering his higher body temperature, turning her head to nuzzle at his arm and he chuckled.

They walked in relative silence and Darcy looked up at the sky, seeing it was clear and full of stars.

“I didn’t mean to drink so much,” she admitted. “I’m so stupid.”

“It’s okay,” he replied, patting her shoulder as he drew her closer, his arm around her.

“No, I wanted… I wanted to talk to you, but I drank the whole time. We didn’t catch up,” Darcy retorted, forlorn. “I haven’t seen you in months.”

“We talk on the phone all the time,” Steve replied.

“It’s not the same. It’s different when I can see your face. When I can feel you.”

“I know,” he murmured. “I know.”

They fell silent once more, and when they reached her place Steve unlocked the door for her, Darcy’s head leaning against his arm. He pulled her inside, shutting the door behind them.

He knelt, helping her out of her shoes. Darcy’s eyes flew shut and he touched her hand.

“You gonna sleep standin’ up?”

“It’s worth a try,” she mumbled, cracking one eye open. “You the police?”

He snorted, standing up to tug her along. “Come on. Bed time.”

Darcy made a contented sound. “Hmm, bed. I love bed.”

She flopped onto her bed and Steve went out of the room, coming back with a glass of water and her bottle of Tylenol. Darcy watched him sit down on the bed beside her and move to pull off her coat and she lay back down when he was done, reaching for his hand.

“Stay a little while.”

“Bad idea, sweetheart,” Steve said, but he didn’t let go of her hand. He moved closer, his other hand brushing a strand of hair away from her face. He tapped her chin, a small smile on his face.

It didn’t reach his eyes. Darcy knew he was sad. She blinked up at him, feeling the urge to cry.

“You haven’t called me that in a long time,” she whispered. She blinked rapidly. “Please stay.”

“No, sweetheart,” he said, his throat bobbing. “I’m gonna go.”

He moved back, standing up. Darcy watched him go, then heard the front door shut a few seconds later.

The next morning Darcy was hungover, headachy and weak. She lay in bed all morning, only managing coffee until dinnertime. She tried to not think about Steve. She tried to not feel embarrassed. There was a time when they were friends and she didn’t care about how stupid she seemed around him. She hated that that changed. She hated that she cared when she was the one who called it quits.

-

Darcy kept her head down, worked more, and spent less time anticipating Steve’s calls. When they spoke she kept it simple. She told him what she was doing, asked him how he was. He was still going to therapy. She finally told him that she’d gone back to using Bumble and Tinder.

If he was hurt by that he didn’t show it. Darcy knew he was better at keeping that to himself than he let on. He wasn’t entirely hopeless when it came to keeping secrets. He wasn’t a spy, but he was guarded.

Darcy dated a guy named Patrick for three months before they broke up. It didn’t hurt. Darcy knew it should have. She’d spent time with this guy only for things to not work out, yet again, and still she didn’t mind.

When she told Steve about the breakup, he said something about her not giving up. She could see he wanted her to be happy without him. She changed the subject, asking about whether he was staying in Brooklyn longer or if he was doing another tour with the Avengers.

“I heard a rumor,” she added, before he could answer her question. “Something about Interpol.”

“Those memos aren’t meant to be spread around,” Steve said. He sounded a little pissed off.

“I’m not allowed to know about that?” Darcy retorted.

“No.”

He was curt. Darcy frowned.

“That’s not really fair, Steve.”

“It’s not meant to be,” he snapped. He sighed. “Sorry, I’m out of line. I just don’t want you knowin’. I didn’t want you…”

“You didn’t want me to worry?” Darcy cut in, and he sighed again. “It’s a little late for that.”

“I know, I know.”

The conversation sort of fell away then and Darcy ended the call, hating how it fell so flat. She lay awake that night, irritated.

She felt uneasy for a couple days, and maybe it was a sign.

She got a call in the middle of her showing new staff around. She didn’t recognise the number, telling the group she’d be with them in a minute.

“Sorry, whoever this is –”

“Doll, it’s Buck.”

Darcy stopped in her tracks, cold dread running down her spine.

“Doll?”

“What happened?” she asked, her voice cracking.

“There was an accident. He’s in hospital. He’s stable, but he’s in a coma. He’ll be out for a couple days.”

Darcy didn’t have to think about it. “Where is he?”

“We’re in Stockholm.”

“I’m coming to you.”

“Doll, it ain’t a pretty sight.”

“Do I sound like I’m open to fucking negotiations?” Darcy snapped. “I’m coming.”

Darcy took off, telling Jane she couldn’t do the rest of the tour. She went straight to the quinjet hangars, asking if there was anyone available for transport. She knew she was breaking several rules. She knew she’d get some angry phone calls. She left without packing a bag, just her phone charger and her handbag.

Arriving in the hospital, she stalked around with her phone at her ear, hoping Bucky or Sam would pick up. She met with Sam in the foyer, and he took her upstairs.

“How is he?” she murmured.

“I’ve seen him like this before, a few years back,” Sam answered. He blinked a couple times. “Shit, more than a few years. I forget how much time has passed.”

“Yeah, me, too,” Darcy murmured. “Is it like the explosion?”

“No, he’s not burned.”

Darcy nodded, looking at her shoes. Her eyes prickled.

“I don’t know what you think of me…”

“I never thought anything bad,” Sam said, before Darcy could finish. “This line of work requires a certain kind of lifestyle, and we don’t have a personal life, really. I mean, you try but it’s harder than other jobs. You can’t put it away at the end of the way. You can’t put other things first as long as you’re in it.”

“You don’t think I was selfish, letting him go?” Darcy said.

The elevator stopped and Sam turned to her.

“No. I mean, he was torn up about it. Any guy would be. But he wanted to respect your decision.”

“I figured,” Darcy mumbled.

She wiped her eyes, following Sam out into the hallway and down to a private room at the back. There were windows along the walls and Darcy saw Bucky sitting with his back to them, her eyes darting to the shape of Steve under the blanket, the wires on him, the tube in his mouth.

“You okay?” Sam said, and he grabbed her arm to steady her.

Darcy had frozen. Bucky wasn’t joking. Steve’s face was swollen beyond recognition, iodine in his hairline, stitches in other places.

“They can’t keep him under for long, with his metabolism and all,” Sam said. Darcy nodded vaguely. “Doctors said he’d be awake soon.”

“What happened?” Darcy breathed.

“He took a couple bullets. Got the shit kicked out of him. He would’ve died if he wasn’t…”

“Yeah,” Darcy murmured. The serum saved his life again.

They stayed standing outside the door for a few minutes and Darcy tried to think of what to say, why she’d come this far.

That was easy. She loved Steve. She always loved Steve. She would _always_ love Steve.

“Can I go in?” she whispered, and she saw Sam nod in the corner of her eye.

She went for the doorknob and let herself in, Bucky’s head turning toward her.

“Hey,” he said, and he gave a little smile, a little weary.

He pulled her into a hug. It was the first time he’d ever initiated contact with her. Darcy knew it was significant, and she kissed his cheek a couple times, gripping him a little tighter. They separated and she wiped her eyes, Bucky gesturing to his chair.

“Sit down, sit down.”

Darcy did as she was told, moving the chair closer to Steve’s side and looking at him lying there. Bucky touched her shoulder.

“You eaten?”

“No, I –”

“I’ll get you somethin’,” he murmured. He paused, and Darcy glanced up at him.

“What is it?” she whispered.

“You’ve got no idea how glad I am you’re here, Darce.”

Darcy stared at him. She had some idea. She watched him go, leaving with Sam and she turned her head back when they left her sight.

There was a heart monitor that beeped every couple of seconds and Darcy watched it, let her eyes adjust to the sight of Steve in so much pain. She reached out and grabbed his fingers, squeezing them.

“You scared me. I’m sorry you have to hear that, but it’s true. We both know it,” she murmured. “And I don’t know if I’ll ever stop worrying about you. Just goes with the territory, I guess…”

She trailed off, shaking her head.

“I bet Agent Hill’s probably screamed into my Voicemail five or so times in the time it took to get here, but it’ll be worth it.”

Darcy snorted.

“God. I don’t think either of us have ever done what we were told,” she added. “We must be the most annoying punks in the world.”

She went quiet, resting her head on the blanket. She felt a tap on her shoulder sometime later and she pulled away, seeing Bucky standing over her with a sandwich and a cup of coffee. Sam was eating in another chair.

“Thanks,” Darcy said, unwrapping her food. She inspected the food, tutting. She pulled a couple slices of pickles off her sandwich and placed them aside on the papers, shooting Bucky a look. “It’s a good thing you’re here, huh, Steve? You always eat my pickles for me.”

Bucky stared at her for several seconds before looking away, a smile forming.

At one point Darcy got up to use the bathroom and stretch, and when she made it back to the corridor by Steve’s room, she found Bucky standing there with his hands in his jacket pockets.

“You eat pickles,” he said, and she smirked.

“Yeah, but Steve loves them,” she replied. “I always save ‘em for him.”

They watched Sam talking to Steve who still lay motionless on the bed with his eyes closed. The nurse who came by before didn’t raise any alarms. It just meant waiting for him to resurface.

“You know, when he changed I didn’t like it at first,” Bucky said, breaking their silence.

Darcy met his gaze.

“I didn’t want people treatin’ him differently because he was suddenly bigger and stronger. I always saw him that way, even when he was tiny.”

Darcy nodded.

Bucky took a deep breath and then let it go. “He didn’t change. Not really. Not in the ways that matter.”

Darcy glanced back at Steve in his bed. She hoped he knew that about himself. She touched Bucky’s left arm, rubbing it.

“I’m glad he’s got you,” she said.

“You, too, doll,” Bucky replied. “I think you don’t know that. And you don’t know you’ve got a choice you can make.”

Darcy blinked. “I’m not _that_ selfish.”

“You think you’d be selfish because you want him to be safe?” Bucky said, shaking his head. “In what world is that a bad thing?”

“But what about Captain America and… and saving the world and -?”

“He wants you,” he said. “That’s why I called you. If you asked him to stop, he would. If you gave him an out, he’d take it.”

Darcy gasped, moving away from Bucky and feeling her eyes fill with tears.

“He’s done enough, Darce,” Bucky said. “He can rest.”

Darcy wiped her eyes, unsure of what to say. Bucky was looking at her like he understood, like he knew what she was going through.

She sniffed. “I thought I’d know what to say when I got here. I had hours sitting alone, thinking… everything came up short. It didn’t feel like enough.”

Bucky nodded. “I’m sure what you say will…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Darcy said, cutting him off. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll ask the nurses if we can get that tube outta his mouth…”

Darcy walked off to find a nurse, feeling Bucky’s eyes trained on her as she left.

Darcy didn’t leave to find a hotel. She put her foot down, and Bucky looked like she amused him, her little balled fists, and her narrowed eyes when the nurses asked her who she was and why she felt entitled. She dozed off after a few hours, her Kindle in her lap. It was running out of juice and she sent Sam and Bucky to find a new charger in the gift shop downstairs. At some point she knew she needed to find a bathroom and wipe under her arms, go buy underwear and a toothbrush.

The swelling in Steve's face had gone a little down, his features more like his old self. Darcy stretched in her seat, staring at his closed eyes, the lift and fall of his chest as he breathed.

She remembered the day they met, when she and Jane took a taxi straight from the airport to the Avengers Tower. It was 2023, and they’d spent the last few weeks trying to make sense of what happened. They left Norway in a restless state. Darcy didn’t know at the time that Steve had just returned the Infinity Stones, coming back to the city while they tried to rebuild the Avengers compound. She could picture Steve’s outfit – a pair of slacks with a belt and plaid shirt, his sleeves pushed down to his elbows. He had a young face, the sharp jawline. Darcy knew that face anywhere, but at the time she wasn’t swooning over him.

“Darcy Lewis,” she said, offering her hand. He shook it, and Darcy smirked. “Surprised you haven’t heard of me. I have a bad reputation. I just… snap sometimes, _shock_ people.”

“The taser girl? That was you?” Steve asked, and he looked her up and down, finally letting go of her hand.

Darcy puffed out her chest, grinning. “Hard to believe I’m all this and brains, too?”

Steve didn’t even pause for thought. “No, it’s not.”

Darcy passed her hand over her face as she thought of what felt like simpler times, and she sighed, glancing down at Steve’s IV stuck in his hand.

There came a croak from the bed.

“There you are.”

Darcy leapt up from her chair, her hands reaching for Steve’s face, seeing his eyes half open as he looked up at her.

“It’s me,” she whispered. She felt the tears spring in her eyes and they fell down, and she gave a wet laugh.

“It’s good to see you, sweetheart,” he whispered. His voice sounded wrecked, but they were reliving the first Video Call they ever had years ago, when everything was so new.

“Steve,” she whispered, and she moved closer still, pressing a kiss to his forehead. She felt his hand touch her arm, and he sucked in a breath.

He began to tremble, and then Darcy heard him break down completely, weeping as she clutched his head to her chest. She didn’t try to stop him. She felt as though it was a long time coming. He’d never cried this way in front of her. He was wracked with sobs as Darcy’s eyes stung, squeezing her eyes shut and holding him until he stopped, until he wanted her to let go.

-

They headed back to Brooklyn three days later. Steve had a walking stick as they trekked up the staircase to his apartment, Bucky and Sam carrying his belongings.

It was understood between them all that Darcy was staying, but she had volunteered to take the couch. She didn’t know if Steve was ready. She didn’t know if she was ready, either, if she was honest with herself. She longed to touch him, make him feel good in the ways that they’d learned about one another. There was intimacy between them without it being sexual, too. For the rest of the hospital stay they held hands more often than not, and she helped him into the bathroom a few times, never batting an eyelid. She liked playing nurse.

“Okay. All set?” Sam said, and he glanced at Darcy.

“Yeah, I’ll call you if anything changes,” she replied.

Bucky and Steve murmured something to one another, and they hugged. When Bucky moved to hug Darcy, she smiled, knowing he felt safe enough around her to touch her. Sam hugged her next. When she led them to the front door, Bucky gave her one last look, lifting his brows.

“Talk to him,” he murmured, and Darcy tried her best to look annoyed but she broke into a smile. Bucky mimicked her. “Bye, doll.”

When they were left alone, Darcy sat on the floor beside Steve, resting her chin on his knee.

“Wanna order pizza?” she asked, and he broke into a smile.

-

Darcy lay on her side, listening to the city. She’d done the same thing for the last two nights. She wasn’t sleeping enough. She thought of the bags under her eyes and she sighed, pushing off the blankets and moving from the living room to the kitchen.

She went to the refrigerator and opened it, seeing nothing much inside. She already knew the state of it before she got there, and she’d forgotten, glancing around to see a few tired looking strawberries. She picked up one, hearing an ambulance siren come and go.

She heard a creak behind her and dropped the strawberry, jolting, turning around to see Steve standing there, eyes wide.

“I thought I was makin’ more noise! I’m sorry.”

“Jesus Christ!” Darcy gasped, her heart hammering. She slammed the refrigerator door and began to laugh, leaning against it.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said again.

“It’s fine.”

A beat.

She gave him a once-over, checking him. Most of the cuts were gone on his chest. She could see the sharp lines of his Adonis belt and she blinked.

“Why are you up?”

“Can’t sleep,” Darcy said. “I think I’m not used to the sounds.”

“Can’t sleep either,” he replied, his voice softer.

Darcy knew if she stayed perfectly still most likely he wouldn’t touch her. He wanted her to make the first move, because he was afraid he’d scare her off.

“Kiss me,” she whispered.

His lips parted and he moved toward her, their heads tilting to meet each other as Darcy stood on tip-toes, Steve’s hands in her hair.

She sighed, closing her eyes as they bridged the gap, their lips brushing.

She wanted it. She wanted the feeling of him all around her, his arms holding her, the taste of him. She wanted to reach inside him to make him see that she was not herself without him, that she never had a chance alone now that she knew him like she did. She wasn’t afraid, at least not anymore.

“I love you,” she breathed. “I love you. I _love_ you.”

“I love you,” he echoed, holding her close, cuddling her, kissing her face. “I love you so much, Darcy. I love you…”

She drew back, looking up at his eyes that were glassy, his mouth wet. In the dark it was harder to see the blue in his eyes but she could picture them, like she saw them in her dreams.

“I’m sorry,” he gasped, and Darcy felt the hurt he felt inside for her inside her own chest, and she whimpered. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I wish I could fix –”

“I love you no matter what,” she said. “Okay? Do you understand?”

“Yes,” he said, swallowing. “Yes, I know exactly what you mean.”

He kissed her again, taking away that last piece of him that was holding back. He gathered her in his arms and lifted her off the floor, carrying her through the kitchen and down the hallway to his room, where the lamplight shone beside his unmade bed. His smell was everywhere and Darcy felt like she was coming home, breathing it in when he lay her down on the mattress.

She looked up into his eyes, stroking his face.

“I never loved someone the way that I love you,” she whispered.

Steve looked like he could cry, and he kissed her once more, her tongue pushing into his mouth, both of them moaning as they gripped one another, sucked the life out of each other. Darcy moved back to tug at her clothes, Steve doing the same, and she began to laugh in relief, but she was crying, she was so goddamn happy.

“I missed you,” she whispered, reaching for him, placing her hand on his stomach and going lower, stroking his cock and making him moan. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” he breathed, and he shivered. “Tell me what to do.”

“Touch me,” she whispered. “Please. Touch me…”

He kissed her neck, nuzzled the skin of her throat, his hips rocking as she stroked his cock, and he was making little sounds, like he couldn’t contain himself.

His hand went to tease her between her legs and Darcy gasped, desperate for him. She was broken open and she pulled his head up to meet hers again, kissing him everywhere, grabbing at him. She never felt more needy, and she whimpered, her hand pulling him toward her by his shaft, rubbing him against where she craved him the most.

“Please, Steve,” she whispered. “Please, baby. Please…”

“I’m not goin’ anywhere,” he whispered. “As long as you want me, I’m here. I’ll never leave you again.”

He looked down between them and then back up to meet her gaze.

“Darce, I – I…”

“We can stop,” Darcy gasped, her voice wavering. She was crying and she wanted him so badly she was edging toward hysterical but she’d stop if he wanted to. She’d hold him to her chest and that might be enough, if he wasn’t ready.

“No, I don’t want to stop,” he gasped. “I’m… I’m scared I’ll…”

Darcy blinked up at him, frowning. “Baby… you worried it’ll be over too soon?”

He let out a short breath, his head falling to her chest, his hips rolling.

“Yeah. Fuck,” he said, as if the admission took everything out of him. “It’s been so long.”

“We’ve got all night,” she murmured, kissing his head. “It’s okay.”

There was a brief silence and Darcy could only hear them panting together, their limbs tangled.

“Steve, please. I need you. I need you inside me… _Please_…”

He moved down her front, taking a nipple in his mouth, breathing deeply, his hands stroking and squeezing her curves. He kissed her all the way down to her pubic hair, and he pulled back, his cheeks pink.

“You’re soaking, sweetheart.”

Darcy nodded, biting her lip.

The first stroke of his tongue was warm and flat against her, and she shut her eyes, her chest heaving as he worked her over, kissed her cunt, made love to her with his tongue.

“Oh, God –”

She came hard, sobbing, his head bracketed by her shaking thighs and she rocked against him, everything she’d been keeping inside spilling out of her. When he resurfaced, wiping his face on his arm as he crawled back up her, he held her for some time, until her sobs subsided.

“I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I missed you. I thought I did the right thing. I thought you were better off –”

“Darcy,” he whispered, wiping away the tears from her face with his thumbs. “Darcy, I have something for you. I meant to give it to you.”

“What?” she said, and he gave a little smile, his brow still furrowed. “What is it?”

He moved back, and she sat up, watching him go to his closet and pull down a cardboard box. He opened it, and Darcy could see it was full of papers and other things she couldn’t quite make out without her glasses.

“Baby?”

Steve took a deep breath, putting down the box and turning something over in his palm. He walked back to the bed, settling down beside her, holding a ring between his thumb and forefinger.

“It’s my ma’s. I took it out of my safety deposit box last year.”

He’d been holding onto the engagement ring for a year while he was on the phone to Darcy, telling her to move on, telling her he’d always be there for her regardless.

“Steve…”

He looked her in the eye. “Will you marry me?”

Darcy felt her face grow hot and she burst into a laugh, kissing him. They moaned, mouths missing each other as they rolled together. Eventually Steve broke away from her, lying on top of her.

“Is that a yes, or -?”

“Yes, it’s a yes. _Holy shit_. Yes. Fuck, I’m –”

He cut her off with another kiss and Darcy laughed. She wrapped her legs around his waist and lifted her hips, encouraging him. He paused to put the ring on her finger before gathering her in his arms once more, finally pushing inside her.

It was messy. It was beautiful. It was everything Darcy ever could have wanted, anything she could ever need. They rocked together, moaned together, cried together.

“You can let go, Steve,” she whispered, their noses brushing, their mouths not quite shutting as they kissed. “Let go.”

He shut his eyes, moaning, and he came, his hips stuttering as he spilled inside her, their sweaty chests pressed together.

They lay together, the world slowly coming back, the city beyond springing to life. Darcy lay her head on his chest for a minute, her hand gliding up and down.

“That’s not it,” he murmured, and she tilted her head to meet his gaze. “I’m warning you now, that ain’t it for tonight.”

Darcy smiled, kissing his chest. She pulled away from him, making her way to the bathroom to clean up.

“I’m gonna attack you the second I get the chance!” he called after her.

Darcy smiled, looking at herself in the mirror. She was red and sweaty all over, her hair a wild mane. She walked back to the bedroom, seeing him on his back, staring back at her, smiling.

Steve was the first one to move, lunging for her and pulling her down to the bed, the pair of them laughing before he brought her into another smothering kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


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